Wednesday, December 28, 2016

The Journal

December 23, 2015

I don’t understand it. I don’t understand life. Why do people feel emotions? They just tear you down and make you feel like crap everything time something goes slightly wrong. I remember one day when I was just walking, and I saw a dead squirrel in the middle of the road. I think I was sad? I can’t remember. Moral of the story; dead squirrels are weird.

Today was the last day before winter break. I’m excited, but nervous. I don’t want to be lonely… (That’s another emotion I dislike. I don’t hate anything, just dislike things.) Mother and I were going to go shopping for a tree today. I love shopping for trees. They smell so good and decorating them can be just so much fun. My mom and I are really close, we do almost everything together. She’s the reason why I’m not lonely. I’m writing this journal or book--whatever you want to call it-- to help occupy me during my lonely times. They can get dark and scary sometimes. Mother told me to write in this to “help me stay in the moment”. I don’t know what that means, but writing in this is kind of weird. I’ll see you later.

January 3, 2016

I forgot to write about my break. Today I was feeling alone again, so I decided to write. Where did I leave off? My mom and I never got a christmas tree. She was away with what she calls her “close friend.” I drew a tree on a piece of paper and put it on my door. I like my room. Usually when I get home from school, I sit in the corner of my room and stare at the wall. Sometimes hours pass by, sometimes only minutes. I didn’t do that much over break. My favorite friend invited me over the 2nd day. We made cookies and she let me decorate the tree. I remember she asked me what I was doing for break. I said I wasn’t sure. Then we went outside and played in the invisible snow. It hasn’t snowed yet, so I played in the grass pretending that there was snow. She played my favorite songs. Terra was my favorite friend.

Nothing else happened over break. I didn’t see mother as often as I wished I could. She was always out with her “close friend”. I haven’t met him yet. Mother and I did see each other this morning. Mother gave me breakfast. I wish I saw mother during the break, but I didn’t mind staying in the house alone. Sitting in the dinning room was way more interesting than sitting in the corner of my room. The house was silent. It was nice.

January 7, 2016

Mother was acting strange today. She didn’t say hello to me when I came home from school. Instead, she was crying. I asked her what why she was crying, but she didn’t answer. All she said was a name. It sounded like “Ken”. Maybe that was Father’s name.

Mother never talks about Father. Aunt Bee told me he is not here anymore. I don’t know what that means. I’ve been told that he was a bad, bad man. I don’t care for Father. Mother used to talk to me about having a “Father figure” in my life. I spend a lot of time with my Uncle Jay because of that. He’s pretty cool..

Yesterday was when report cards came out. Mother yelled at me for having a C. Sometimes in class, I am taken away into another room to do various tasks like reading, writing, and doing maths. I don’t like school. I’ve tried to quit many times, Mother never lets me. Homework is brutal. I don’t understand it. Uncle Jay tries to help me. I try and try at school, but some days I walk into a class, and walk out not rememebering a single thing. Is something wrong with me?

January 15, 2016

Mother has been missing. I’m worried about her. The house gets lonely without her. Uncle Jay visits me and takes me over his house during the day. Aunt Bee and I sit down and do homework. Every morning, they wake me up and bring me to school. Terra sees me in class sometimes. I choose not to talk anymore in school. I can’t think of words to say. I want to be alone.

Before Mother left, she told me that if she didn’t write me a letter in a week, to call the police. I’m scared of the police. I don’t know what to do in this situation. Things like this make me want to sit in the corner and hide, and stare at the wall as time passes by. I don’t want to call the police, I want Mother to come home, but I want to be alone.

January 21, 2016

Still no sight of Mother. I visit the house once in a while to see if Mother has come home. Spoiler alert-- She hasn’t. I live with Uncle Jay and Aunt Bee now. They don’t understand why I don’t talk anymore. I always think to myself What do you do when you lost your Mother? What do you do when you feel like you have no family left? I don’t know how to answer those questions. I’ve been sitting in the corner more and more now--I think--. Time passes by so often that I don’t even feel like I’m living anymore. Uncle Jay and Aunt Bee got into a fight today over what to do about me. They said that would take me to a Sicologist, phsycologist, phcologoist, I don’t know how to spell it. I’m afraid to talk, I’m afraid to talk to anybody besides Terra. She asks me what’s wrong. I don’t know what to do.

Feburary 2, 2016

They’ve been keeping it from me. I go to the house everyday now and lay in Mother’s bed. I like to smell her old clothes to remind me of her. Aunt Bee and Uncle Jay keep saying Mother will come back soon, I know they’re lying. I wish they would tell me what happened to Mother. I no longer go to school; there’s no point when I won’t talk. I either sit in the corner of my room, or go to the house hoping for Mother to be home.

Feburary 7, 2016

 Mother is gone forever. I saw a newspaper sitting on the kitchen table. I read what I could. I didn’t recognize Mother’s name since I only call her Mother. “A man named ‘Ben’ had gotten into a long fight with Mother, and Mother went away with him for a while. She could not leave.” Aunt Bee said. Mother is gone, Father is gone, I am more alone than ever.

I sit in the corner of my room. I feel like I can’t breathe sometimes. I can’t remember when I last got up. I don’t talk to anybody. Terra writes me letters, but I don’t respond. I don’t want to respond.

March 1, 2016

It has been about a month since Mother has been gone. Sitting in the corner of my room makes me anxious. I found a new place to sit--the edge of the bridge down the street--where it is quiet, calm. I came home for my journal this time, but I will not be going back. There is no point anymore. I have no family. I have no energy. I have no life.

April 23, 2016

I can’t remember the last time I felt sad, or happy, or any emotion at all. I have nothing to feel. I am an emotionless creature roaming the Earth for a family; MY family. I have not found them yet. I don’t think I am going to stay much longer. When I feel done, I will write a goodbye. This journal will be left behind as I go. Sitting in one place is...I don’t know what to say about it. Every word is a feeling, and emotion, I don’t know what to think anymore. I have no reason to live.

April 27, 2016


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