The Story Of One Bull Pup

While the basement was going through a little housecleaning, I happened to find a copy of an old newspaper story that I had photocopied during my days working at the library, which I would like to share with everyone today. The story was first published back in 1901 and its a perfect example of what passed for humor back then. Hope you find it as funny as I originally did back when I'd first read it.


Being documents found on the person of the late Mr. John Smith

I

Bought of Burke & Bight, Dog Fanciers: One bull terrier pup---$75

II

Mr. John Smith-Dear Sir:

Please call at my office and settle for two Angora cats, the property of my wife prior to their destruction.

Thomas Jones

III

Mr. John Smith-Dear Sir:

I cannot afford to feed that bull pup on Plymouth Rock chickens. You will confer a favor on me by sending me your check for $7.50.

Henry Johnson

IV

Mr. John Smith-My Dear Mr. Smith

I assure you, sir, that your bulldog has buried nothing in my yard, and I wish you would endeavor to dissuade him from digging it up every day in search of certain bones which he seems to believe he had concealed under my tulip beds. I am sorry to have to do it, but am obliged to inclose a bill just sent to me by my gardener. Sincerely yours,

Henrietta Brown

Digge & Grugg, Landscape Gardeners, in account with Henrietta Brown--replanting tulip bad and sodding 8 square yards of lawn: $8

V

I. Slaughter, Butcher, in account with John Smith--to dog meat, $15

VI

I. Hassenrod Emerson, Veterinary Surgeon, in account with John Smith---To curing one bull pup of distemper $25; to curing one bull pup of mange $25; Total $50.

VII

Mr. John Smith-Dear Sir:

As that belligerent animal you keep around your place will not allow the carrier to approach your premises, I hereby notify you that you must hereafter get your mail at the post office. Yours Truly,

Henry Thompson, P.M.

VIII

John Smith, Esq-My Dear Smith:

I know that a warm friendship has always existed between us, but I cannot conceive how any man in his right mind can allow such a villainous whelp as that of yours to remain around his home, and I must insist that you pay me the full value of my fine bird dog, which is now lying at the point of death as a result of an encounter with your cur the last time he followed me in your house. He came home three days after I lost him, and if he ever does recover he is ruined forevermore. I don't want to quarrel with you, Smith, but this is a serious matter, and while no money can replace my fine old Brutus, I feel that it will be only justice for yo to pay me $250, which is the price I paid for the dog two years ago.

Charles Kanine

IX

John Smith, Esq-Sir:

Complaint comes to this office that you are violating city ordinance 41.144, which makes it a misdemeanor to allow a vicious dog to run at large. I shall be obliged to send a policeman to your neighborhood to investigate this matter, if you do not immediately take steps to abate this nuisance. The maximum fine in your case is $100 or fifty days' imprisonment. Respectfully,

Robert Full, Chief of Police

X

Mr. John Smith-My Dear Smith:

The Widow Brown is mourning the loss of her four year old child, which while playing near your house yesterday, was seized--

Mr. Smith evidently destroyed the remainder of this letter, as the foregoing was all of it that could be found on his person.

XI

Hard & Ware Firearms, sold to John Smith-one Smith & Wesson revolver, .48 caliber: $12

Extra from Morning Paper

John Smith, a well known resident of this city, committed suicide last night by shooting himself through the head. Mr. Smith was a man of means, of happy domestic surroundings and the motive for his rash act is shrouded in mystery