I Took A Walk, I Observed, I Now Share

I took a mild mental break yesterday (no comments from the macadamia gallery) by taking a short drive to WestFarms Mall, thus creating an opportunity to stretch my legs and floss my brain with observations of the human race.

Warning: There is a chance of you being mildly offended by what you're about to read. If so, please direct your complaint to the Amalgamated Association of Morons, Local 6 7/8, located in lovely downtown Pennsylvania Avenue, which is next to that funny little organization that is being run into the ground by the Blue People.

Observation #1: Urban Outfitters is now carrying, in addition to selected book titles, selected new and reissue music releases on vinyl. Yes, I said, vinyl. Contrary to popular opinion, vinyl is not the latest trend in music, but simply the reappearance of a format that anyone over the age of 35 grew up with. However, the prices are definitely not what you remember them to be. Back them, single LP's were about $8 and doubles were about $15. Now they range in price from $19 (single) to $35 (doubles) and more for certain boxed sets. Plus, a lot of these albums contain things like: codes for MP3 downloads and copies of the actual c.d.

Observation #2: Stretch pants/ski pants/yoga pants, greatly emphasize all that is good, bad and ugly in women. If you need me to elaborate, then it's plainly obvious that you are not a long time reader of this blog, my adult blog or of my writings. I feel your pain....not.

Observation #3: Knee high boots not only are still sexy, no matter what the style, but can make a grown man freeze his face until said owner of boots leaves his field of vision. Afterwards, the grown man usually has to have his face slapped as a reality check.

Observation #4: Long hair is still sensual and sexy, no matter what nationality it may be. I've always been a fan of long hair and roughly 75% of my stories feature women with long hair.*

Observation #5: Two of the original 16 teams that were created in 1901 and 1892 are playing in the World Series later this month: Detroit Tigers (1901) and St. Louis Cardinals (1892). For those who might doubt the validity of my facts, here is the Wikipedia links for the National League and the American League.

*I couldn't find a decent link for long hair, except for Cosmopolitan, and I find that magazine to be somewhat insulting to women. I mean, really, does anyone need 50 ways to make a guy climax or make you orgasm?

ReDeauxing Post #11 And Why I Still Have A Sense Of Humor

I was getting ready to start digging deep within the dark recesses of my brain today, when it dawned on me that maybe, just maybe, you needed a short break from reading yet another post about why I write what I write. So I spent, oh I say, 3 1/2 seconds thinking about what to write before saying to myself, "Hey doofus! How 'bout doing a little bloviating an old post? You certainly haven't done that in a while!"

So I went to my old computer and found my leftover list of blog post numbers. If I remember correctly, I had people choose a number between 1 and 941, and I would write a new post on that number. The weird ending number has more to do with the fact that I reached 941 posts by the end of 2012.

Therefore, we will bloviate about post #11 and hopefully we'll come up with something halfway decent.

I believe that post #11 was created from a short e-mail that I got from a co-worker back in the 1990's. Compared to today's sick puppy dog humor, it's pretty inoffensive. Back then, as now, California was known for marching to the beat of Keith Moon than to Buddy Rich. So people always made jokes about the various lifestyles that were embraced: M&F, M&M, F&F, MM&F, FF& M, etc. etc. etc.

So while my sense of humor was deliberately set to flying under the radar back then, it is now set mostly to high jump/low ceiling. Although it may be of the high jump/low ceiling level of crudeness, the crudeness that we profess has been sorely lacking for the past few years.

Let's face it gang, you know as well as I do that my sense of humor is more suited towards your comment section of your blog/timeline than it is to my blog/timeline. Some 5 1/2 years later, I still have a tendency to censor myself and my humor. Having been burned by ex-friends from the real world and cyber space over the years has a tendency to make me gun shy.

But...I still have my moments of brilliance, as they say. My personal humor does pop up on this blog from time to time, as well as my adult blog, while what I find funny pops up all the time (check out my e-mail tag, newspaper tag, humor tag, and anything else that looks out of the ordinary).

So my friends, while my sense of humor has evolved from #11 to what you've read in the past year, I am still the same person with the same skewered outlook on life.

And in the end, isn't that all you can really hope four?

Show Me Da Money!

I thought I would touch upon the topic, although near and somewhat dear to my heart, hasn't seen the light of day on this blog for quite some time. The main reason as to why it hasn't been touched has more to do with not really having anything to talk or harp about.

Today's flashback topic du jour is work.

Now before you go and start shouting from the roof top over the fact that I'll serenade you with tales of brave G.B. whose naked ears were tortured from dealing with stupid, this will not be about that. Instead, jhis will actually be not only about something positive about work but something positive about my labor union too.

Back in the year when the messiah was masquerading as a man who cares, all the state agencies finally got the attention of the state by presenting a united front (via the clerical union) about the obscenely high turnover rate in their payroll departments. For years most state agencies were bleeding bodies with extreme prejudice in payroll because over the perceived pay inequities (true) and lack of upward mobility (also true), which often fell on deaf ears with the powers that be (surprised? you shouldn't be).

Finally, in the year of the messiah masquerading as a US Senator (aka 2007), the state asked all the agencies to write an excruciating detailed oriented report so that the state could perform a SCOPE project as it applied to the payroll clerk position. A SCOPE project (for the uninformed masses like you and I) is where the state performs an exhaustive study based on the excruciating detailed report that were prepared to see whether or not a justification exists to reclassify the payroll clerk position.

Some 6 1/2 years later, after dealing with multiple labor concession packages that featured salary freezes, unbalanced givebacks like furloughs, ObamaCare and enough red ink to write Battlefield Earth in every conceivable language known to mankind, the state cried uncle and said, "Yes! Yes! Yes! We agree with your claims! Just make the incessant drumming go away!"

With those magic words of "We agree" being offered, an entire class of worker bees dropped to their collective knees in shock and awe, because never before had they experienced something positive and touched the hand of God in the process. Can I get an AMEN! from everyone?

I say brothers and sisters, can I get a HALLELUJAH! and a AMEN! at the altar of the Church of OMFG I Don't Believe It! Sing his praises to the person who matters the most in your life , the one that gives you the tools to affect change....your union rep!

Right.

Reality check: What this does is to revamp an entire overworked, underappreciated, much maligned and seriously stagnant job class and not only gives them a decent monetary incentive but also gives them a chance to earn a promotion. By promotion I mean that this agreement creates two distinct group of payroll clerks: those who handle regular non 24/7 (aka M-F) payrolls, which covers about 85% of the state agencies; and those who handle 24/7/365 payrolls, which is the remaining 15%.

What does this mean for me? For starters, because I handle a 24/7/365 payroll at my current stop, I'll go up two pay grades, instead of the one pay grade like the majority of my co-works, which of course means more money. The downside is that I'll only have three other agencies that I can go to should I choose to do a lateral transfer.

However, the upside of more money couple with potential new duties and responsibilities more than outweighs the downside of limited growth and opportunities.

It's tough working for the guv'ment, no matter what level you're at, because you are often the only contact that the public has when dealing with the fallout of kicking the can down the road. I can sympathize with the public because I've seen and experienced first hand the ineptitude and hypocrisy of those higher ups.

But sometimes, a tiny little sunbeam that punctures the black sky of disillusionment can often make a world of difference.

So You Feel Old, Eh?

From time to time, I hear people complain about feeling old. This I find highly amusing, since the comment is often uttered by people who are least fifteen years younger than I am (I'm forty-eight).

Whereas some of the younger generation can and should be scoffed at for uttering such a phrase, older folks like myself, who happened to utter that phrase, should not be scoffed at. Why? Well, to quote Fire Marshal Bill, "Let me show you something!"

I often utter that phrase because more often than not, I'm coming across staff members who were born starting with my freshman year of high school (1979) through my five year reunion (1988). So when I say, "I'm feeling really old", I mean it.

Having said that, here are a few interesting tidbits about me that the average reader of my blog probably has never experienced.

1} I grew up in the pre-public Internet age.
2} The most popular pre- IBM or pre-Apple computer for public consumption was the Tandy computer. Retail price: around $3K.
3} Computer language was either BASIC or COBOL.
4} I loaded programs via cassette or 5.25" floppies.
5} Yes, I said 5.25" floppies.
6} I am an original first-generation MTV viewer. MTV came out during my senior year of high school.
7} I am pre-cable TV. You know, rabbit ears for analog?
8} Vinyl was king, cassettes were queen, and eight tracks were going bye-bye.
9} All those shows you watch on either TV Land or ME-TV I watched first run.
10} I've watched about one half of M*A*S*H as first run.
11} I remember when Fox Television was created.
12} Pay phones were in vogue.
13} Cell phones did not exist.
14} Regular leaded gasoline, the environmental community's stupidest and most successful banning to date, was around when I was growing up.
15} You could smoke and buildings.
16} Jai Lai was a major thing here in Connecticut.
17} No social media, unless you count the tabloids that were prevalent, as well as TV Guide and the entertainment section of the newspaper.
18} Speaking of newspapers, I read them voraciously.
19} I had hair.
20} PBS was the only station that had quality children's programming.
21} All those cartoons that you see in reruns from the seventies and eighties? I watched them when they were FRESH AND NEW.

So my friends, these are the kind of things that I have experienced while growing up, and if I should happen to mention them to others, I get blank faces as a response.

So how 'bout you? Have you grown up with a few things that the younger generation has a problem in comprehending, understanding or relating to?

I Irritate My Human Big Time

Hiyas!

Allow me to introduce myself: I am Holly, and today we're taking over my human's blog, 'cause you know, nothing irritates our humans more than getting into their business by doing our business, and since my human hates it when I do my business in his business, he's giving me carte blanche in doing my business on his blog in the vain hope that somehow I won't be doing my business in his business for the foreseeable future.

Anywho, let me tell you how I really irritate my human in the morning.

When I wake up, I need to stuff my face with food. I don't really care about what my human wants, 'cause you know, it's all about me. So what I usually do when my stomach is growling is to jump on my human and start purring in his face, 'cause you know, I needs food.

This usually happens around 4:30 in the morning, with repeat performances every fifteen minutes until he finally drags his butt out of bed at 5:30. The second his feet touch the floor, I'm weaving between his legs, 'cause you know, I need to be fed, like now.

So when he stands up, that's my cue to run out of the room and run down the stairs, 'cause you know, I need food. But dang it, he don't follow me, 'cause he has to do his morning toiletries. So I have to run back upstairs to get his attention, 'cause you know, I need my food, like yesterday. And I get his attention by purring loudly and weaving between his legs, which in turn irritates the crap out of him.

Finally, he staggers down the stairs and I race down the stairs and wait for him at the bottom, 'cause you know, I need food and he's the slowest thing on the planet. But when he gets downstairs, I start running all over the place, 'cause you know, I need to be fed, like now. And to make sure he feeds me like now, I'll jump on the windowsill, meow madly and wake everyone up by kicking at the window chimes.

Wouldn't you know it, while I'm starving for my breakfast, he's busy getting all of his precious coffee ready in the microwave. So I jump down from the windowsill and start getting under his feet, so that when he steps away, he'll realize that I'm the most important thing there.

Finally, he walks back to the windowsill and I race ahead and jump on, 'cause you know I need my food, like yesterday. But he only grabs the empty dish and walks back to the kitchen. Infuriated, I run back to the kitchen and start meowing very loudly for my food, 'cause dammit, I'M HUNGRY!!!!

The lazy schmuck finally pours my food into the dish, so I race back to the windowsill, jump up and ring the wind chimes. He puts the dish down, and finally, I GOT FOOD!!!

For the next seven seconds, I stuff my face with glorious crunchies. Afterwards, just because he was being a dope for being so slow, I jump down and regurgitate just for him, which of course makes him yell and wake up the entire house.

So next time you decide to take your sweet time in feeding the animal that happens to reside in your home, be prepared for an unwanted present in an unwanted place, 'cause you know, they come first, and don't you dare forget that fact.

Now if you'll excuse, I have to mosey upstairs and irritate my human's spouse, 'cause you know, I'm the queen of all I survey and no one can sleep on my side of the bed with out my permission.

Christmas In October

We interrupt this blog with a late breaking but completely pertinent book promo of ginormous proportions!

The holidays will be here before we know it!  If you’re like me, you have at least one person who already has EVERYTHING!  Not to mention your sons, daughters, or nieces and nephews – who have so many computer games and toys, you trip over them when you walk into their bedrooms?

Instead of one more toy that will be forgotten by January, or spending money on a gift someone MIGHT like, why not go for something different. A gift that sparks a child’s imagination or allows your friends to relax and lose themselves in a world of humor, romance, mystery or fantasy – a book!

We just might have the solution and the good news is you just might get them for free!

During the month of October we have over 45 authors (including myself, who will be appearing on October 7th) to showcase their book covers, a tagline, AND a giveaway.  Every Monday and Thursday, for the entire month, different authors will show you what they have to offer! 

How does this help you?  Simple.  All you need to do is stop by Penny’s Tales, on Mondays and Thursdays and add a comment.  The more you comment, the more chances to win.  On November 1, you might get an email stating you are the lucky winner of the big jackpot! 

Keep watching – more info will be coming!

We now return you to the rest of this blog's unscheduled post. Blogging on the fly, here goes nothin'.

Folks, are you looking for a good read of three short stories from Newington's semi-premier writer/blogger who is independently owned and operated by his wife, two children and pet cat Holly, then feast (or cast, whichever is easier for you to do) on this fantastic short story trilogy called:

Available at Smashwords

Three tantalizing short stories from the creative mind that has brought you mirth, fun, jocularity and this blog for the past five and a half years. Check it out today, you'll be glad that you did.

Or, if you're looking for a little sizzle, a little sensual, and whole lot of personal revelation without being preachy, check out my paranormal erotic fantasy:

Available at Amazon and Books by G.B. Miller

Simply a steal as an e-book or in print, Line 21 will make you think twice about an individual's moral compass and their sense of purpose. Check out the book that has forced this author to cut short a book signing, be turned down for two town fairs and be banned from a Facebook video trailer event. And check out what others have to say about the book by clicking on this review link.

A Day In The Life Of A Not-So-Modern Dad

I rarely get to spend any quality time with my 12 year old daughter

these days, simply because we're pretty much like two commuter express trains that run on separate rails and separate times. So yesterday (8/25), when the necessity of back to school supply shopping presented itself in the form of coupons for Ocean State Job Lot, I jumped at the chance to take my highly knowledgeable and attitudely challenged 12 1/2 year old shopping for supplies.

So after we had managed to find the supply list from her middle school (note to school, not everyone has access to a version of Word that opens .docx files), we set off on the journey to emptying my wallet. While we found all of her supplies at both Ocean State and at Staples, it was the journey to accomplishing that emptying of the wallet that I would like to talk about.

While we were sitting at a red light behind a a brown SUV, my daughter saw a bumper sticker. The conversation that ensued, while not completely verbatim, should give you an idea on what new territory I might be exploring this year.

Her: Hey dad, that car has a bumper sticker that says, "Save the Ta-Ta's". What are ta-ta's?
Me: Dead silence while I tried to think of an appropriate answer and practice self-censorship at the same time. Finally, I was able to drop my brain down to the sub-G rated level that I've not visited since the early 90's, and said that ta-ta's were something that your mother and grandmother has.
Her: .....(in actuality, she started talking about something else which I didn't get).
Me: (at this point, we were at another red light behind the same SUV, and somehow she got back on the original topic) Ta-ta's is a cleaner word for what people might call a woman's breast.

At this point, I finally managed to change the subject to this particular song on the radio, and the rest of the journey was relatively uneventful...except for battling over MY RADIO 'cause she wanted to listen to Kelly Clarkson and I didn't.

For the record, the phrase "Save The Ta-Ta's" is connected to breast cancer awareness, which I did not know until I was at the second red light and was able to closely examine the bumper sticker.

Anywho, I'm not quite looking forward to this year, 'cause quite frankly, this will probably be the first of many, many questions that will leave me completely and utterly speechless.

Yay Me.

I thought I would lighten the mood of this blog today by doing what I do best, which is bitch about myself thus pumping up everyone else's ego just a little bit.

There comes a time during the week where a person has to live life like a cliche. And then there are times where you simply have to do a show and tell about certain aspects of one's life. Today's post is one of those times.

The weather has been gorgeous this sumer and eccept for the heatwave in mid July temps have been hovering around the high 80's. While normally this is a good thing for people like yourselves, for me, it has been an adventure in dexterity.

For example, as you can plainly see by reading this post that I have a lot of typos. That is directly due to the fact that the brain cells are moving warp factor ten whie the fingers are moving at half impulse power. The reason why the fingers are moving at half impusle power has a lot to do with the current gentic malady that is cause me a world of aggravation with writing, mostly via the keyboad, but sometimes via the pen (which we hold like a 2nd grader0.

Anywho, the good weather that we're experience as of late has played a little bit of havoc with my writing. See, because the heat has beenj so good for me that it has lulled me into a false sense of security, which in turn wants me to type as fast as I used to, like this:

Once upna time nto to long ago there lived a little girl named atlatlanta who coudl rund as fast a the thewind.

Translation: Once upon a time not too long ago there lived a little girl named Atalanta who could run as fast as the wind.

Because I can't type as fast as I used to (about 30 wpm), I have to type slower than a black republican waiting for praise from the NAACP. Which when I'm not wriiting means i type in lower case and use rednkck eglish. Ya know, I spells purty gud cause i wents to skool.

However, when i'm writing, I have to type incredibly sloooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooow becuae every other word tha i type has a typo.

Like this post for example.

And handwriting? fuhget about it. hand fatigue is the operative word of the day. Honest and for true doc.

I let you in on a ittle itty bitty secret. Do you know I have such a good memory? It's because I can't write to save my life anymore. Honest, whenver we have a staff meeting and I hav to take notes, my note taking consists of a grand total of less than ten words. Man, I doctor's handwriting is more legible than mines.

Now I know what some of yous are saying to the screen: Use that damn voice software that dropped a c note on three year ago. But you know, it ain't really that easy to use/. In fact, we usually have the following issue:

Can you imagine, a writer expireinceing an epic failure like that?

Anyways, I think i've rambed on enough for Prince Spaghetti day. If you think I had point with this post, by all means let me know what it is, 'cause chances are that you're probably writte.

We now return you to your regularly scheduled programming that is your life. Live it to the fullest 'cause anything less would surely be a disappointment.

Fluffernutter!!!!

Yah, this ain't no party, nor is it that honey-jello-shot for brains bear. This is G.B.'s annoyingly fat Al Bundy clone of a cat Fluffernutter. And I'm barging in today 'cause G.B. is busy trying to decide whether or not he should write or simply chuck it all and cover himself up with compost and think unpleasant thoughts of what might have been, so his little hardwired brain is currently incapable of multi-tasking a simple thing like writing a blog post.

So I took upon myself to cough up a beer flavored hairball (and no, my beer of choice ain't that wimpy beer Bud Light. I'll leave it up to the smarter people out there to guess my liquid of choice and it ain't beer. Beer is for wimps) and type up a post for G.B. 'cause you know, the only smart thing he's done so far is kick me out of the house. Not that it didn't work, 'cause you know you just can't get rid of Fluffernutter, because without Fluffnutter, you don't get the remote.

Anyways, I dug around one of his folders and found this nasty little poem that he done got some ten years ago. It's got no title, so I've taken the liberty to come up with one.

Frenemy

When you are sad...I will get you drunk and

help you plot revenge against the sorry bastard

that made you sad.

When you are blue, I'll try to dislodge

whatever is choking you.

When you smile, I'll know that you got laid.

When you are scared, I will rag on you

about it every chance that I get.

When you are worried, I will tell you

horrible stories about how much worse

it could be and to quit whining.

When you are confused, I will use little

words to explain it to your dumb ass.

When you are sick, stay away from me

until you're well again. I don't want

whatever you have.

When you fall, I will point and laugh

at your clumsy ass.

This is my oath, I pledge to the end.

Why you may ask?

Because you're my friend!

Send this poem to ten of your closest friends

and get depressed because you 

realize you only have two friends

and one of them is not speaking to you

right now anyway.

P.S. A friend will help you move, a really good friend will help you move the body.

So there you have it ladies and gentleman, boys and girls AND children of all ages. A bottom feeder of a poem written by someone on this great blue marble with way too much time on their tiny little hands, brought to you by the best cat in G.B.'s house, Fluffernutter.

Be sure to tune in next to see who will write the next blog post: the best cat in G.B.'s house, Fluffernutter; that honey soaked alki Yello Bear; or the titular head of this blog, G.B. Miller.

Personally, my money is on Fluffernutter. D'oh! Did I say that? Shame on me. Perhaps I should be sent to my luxurious kitty box with a large helping of Taco Bell Nachos Belle Grande (yeeeeccccch) and a six pack of wimpy beer (coughing up a hairball) to wash it down with as punishment, for I am a very bad putty tat.

Unsound Mind?

I have nothing original on tap today to speak of (well, I could give you the incredibly longer version as to why I was sick for two days last week, but why gross you out on a Monday), which is directly related to that short little sentence in the parentheses. So for your amusement please check out this tiny little news story from the September 14, 1927 edition of the Manchester Herald.

INSANE FROM TERROR, HE COMMITS SUICIDE

Feared his Brother-in-Law Would Return Home To Murder Him.

Elmira, NY: Tragic and violent death with had alrady shocked the countryside near here with the double murder of two state troopers, had struck again today and George Miller* of Sullivanville, lies dead, a self slain victim of terror.

Miller, who blew his brains out with a shotgun, was a brother-in-law of the fugitive Wilmot Wagner, sought in two states as the murderer of State Troopers Robert Roy and Arnold Rasmussen.

Breaking after a five day vigil during which time he constantly stood on guard over his home, evidently fearing the return of his brother-in-law, Miller killed himslef in a moment of dispair, his relatives believe.

Since the murder of the two troopers who were slain when they attempted to arrest Wagner on a petty larceny charge, Miller has sat day and night with a shotgun across his knees. It is believed the crime committed by his brother-in-law had unsettled his mind.

"I'll get him before he returns and gets me," he was siad to have exclaimed. Relatives are at a loss to account for his fear.

Meanwhile, an enlarged posse continued their search of the New York and Pennsylvania border section for some trace of Wagner.

*A co-worker originally found this news story and found it incredibly funny that the person who ate his gun had the same name as myself, so he printed it out and gave it to me. So apparently I'm a doppelganger from 1927. Yes, we collectively had an extremely black and twisted sense of humor back in the day. Remind me to tell you about it some day, if you think you can handle it.

Making Pop Culture Work

When you talk about pop culture to someone, more often than not, that person either rolls their eyes or gives you the "uh-huh" response. You know, the "I'm pretending to agree with you 'cause I really don't care what the hell you're talking about" response that we give to people when we're trying to leave a conversation as quickly as possible.

In my world, I try to make my pop culture references relatable to the issue at hand, because there ain't nothing worse than having a pop culture reference not make sense. So the other day, when the weather outside was a bit overcast, I happen to mention to my co-worker that Bob Ross was sad.

After a brief explanation of who Bob Ross was, they got it and went along with it.

For those of you who don't know who Bob Ross is, you can either check out this video, or read my ten second explanation.

Bob Ross was a well know extremely laid back painter who for decades had his own do-it-yourself painting show. He specialized in painting landscapes and one of his catch phrases was "happy white clouds".

Thus, when it was overcast, I would say that Bob Ross is sad. When the sun poked through a couple of times, I would say that Bob Ross is starting to smile. When it looked like the clouds were about to open up, I would say that Bob Ross is angry.

Anyways, once we got that out of the way, it opened up a whole new line of conversation about old children's  shows (Mr. Rogers, The Electric Company and Sesame Street), and children's shows from the 90's.

I showed off my knowledge of voice actors and musicians/bands who did theme songs/incidental music.

Example, music:

The B-52's did the theme song for "Rocko's Modern Life"; Heavy D & The Boys did the theme song for "Police Academy: The Series" cartoon.

Example, voice actors:

Cree Summer (actress who was in the show "A Different World") did the voice of Suzie in Rugrats and All Grown Up and the voice of Elmira in Tiny Toon Adventures; Bill Fagerbakke (actor in "Coach" and "Oz") does the voice of Patrick from SpongeBob Squarepants.

Ultimately, a good afternoon was had by all tripping down memory lane.

I leave you with this final thought:

On the local radio station they have a contest called "Google or Genius" and on one show they were giving away tickets to see a local off-off Broadway musical, and in order to win the tickets you had to answer the following question:

What is the address of the brownstone building that Oscar the Grouch lives in front of?

The first caller actually got it wrong. The 2nd caller got it right.

The New And Improved Automobile!

Note: This was given to me back in the late 90's (I think). Still pertinent some 25 years later.

At a recent computer EXPO (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated:

If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon.

In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating:

If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:

1} For no reason whatsoever your car would crash twice a day.

2} Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new car.

3} Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart and drive one.

4} Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn, would cause your car to shutdown and refuse to start, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

5} Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought "Car95" or CarNT". But then you would have to buy more seats.

6} Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five percent of the roads.

7} The oil, water temperature and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single "general car default" warning light.

8} New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.

9} The airbag system would say "Are you sure?" before going off.

10} Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key, and grab hold of the radio antenna.

11} GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe st of Rand McNally road maps (now a GM subsidiary), even though they neither need them nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the car's performance to diminish by 50% or more. Moreover, GM would become a target for investigation by the Justice Department.

12} Every time GM introduced a new model car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

13} You'd press the "start" button to shut off the engine (happily, this is a reality).

I Is Rejuvenated!

It's funny how the warmer weather can have such a profound impact on one's own creativity.

Usually in the fall and winter, my muse, as it applies to my writing, has a tendency to go wandering off to the land that time has forgotten about. Where the air is warm, the breeze is cool and gentle, and life is exceptionally easy and sleazy. Thus, my writing screeches to a halt. Dried up. Dried out. Barren as a blade of grass in the Mojave desert.

But...when the warmer weather hit, that's when things start to heat up.

My muse comes in from the cold, shakes off the aftereffects of sun, wind spray, more sun, more wind, sand, etc. etc. etc. etc.

.....

.....

Muse steps over and uncorks a high hard one that sends good old G.B. flying out of the chair and face first to the ground. She looks over and after being satisfied with a job well done, sits down in front of the computer and starts to type.

Coming back from the cold, eh?! Where the hell do you get off telling these good people that I'm a slacker?! I'll have you know that I ain't no slacker! Contrary to popular opinion, while you was busy pretending to be the man you ain't, I was busy conjuring up new ideas and fresh approaches to old ideas.

But did you pay attention to me? Hell no! You were busy being the martyr and playing that bullshit "woe is me" persona that fools everyone but me.

During the rant G.B. starts showing signs of life. He grabs hold of the chair and slowly pulls himself up. Muse, suddenly aware of her chair being moved, looks to her left and spies G.B. doing the moving. Narrowing her eyes until they were mere slits, she delivers a hard elbow to his jaw, dislodging him from the chair and knocking him out cold.

Again satisfied at job well done, she turns her attention back to the computer.

Sorry for the interruption, but the f.b.i. guy was trying to butt in again. Now where was I? Oh yeah. I was busy working my tight little ass off coming up with a slew of fresh new ideas that would knock your socks off. But was he paying attention to me and my ideas? Of course not. He would listen to my ideas, then say, "yeah, sure, okay that'll work, thanks." before dismissing me with a wave of his slimy little hand.

This went on for quite a while and each time that he would do it, I would get wetter than a mad hen. Until finally he went to the well one to many times and..."

"No I didn't, sweet thang," said G.B., who had finally regained consciousness.

"Excuse me."

Muse gets up and within the span of thirty seconds was having another knockdown drag out battle with G.B. Punches were thrown, screams could be heard, clothing was torn and rip, then suddenly all becomes very quiet.

Uncomfortably quiet.

Passionately quiet as one could just vaguely hear a few choice words and phrase drifting out from outside the computer desk.

Many minutes later, Muse returned and took a seat in front of the computer. Looking like something the cat dragged in after a passionate night and day of lovemaking, she sighed deeply and lovingly, before viciously attacking the keyboard.

So after he went to the well one too many times, words and passionate...ummm...hostilities were exchanged. Eventually we came to a mutual understanding about what my future will be in this partnership.

......

......

Damn!

......

Ummm....well...I leave you with this thought. My main man G.B. has once again found that his creative juices are just bursting at the seams, and he would like to thank yours truly for helping him find the spigot to unleash those juices.

'Cause after all, a muse like myself knows all the moves and has all the weapons at her disposal, in order to make her writer shine like polished gold.

This Is What Happens When Facebook Becomes Your Book Of The Day

For those of you who are Facebook, you know that a good percentage of the time, your newsfeed is cluttered with strange pictures with funny captions.

Yesterday, I was inspired to get silly on Facebook, so I posted this picture:

And I asked my friends to provide a caption for it. The one who came up with the best caption would get a mention in my blog post. No problem, right?

Small problem.

It seems that since all the captions were so funny, I was unable to choose one. Since I can't choose one, I'll choose them all.

Thus, a funky story to brighten up your Sunday, which comes courtesy of the following people: Joy Redmond, Ellen Burgess, Glenda Stewart, Kelly Abell, Janet Kuziak, Michele Lavender, Patricia Gregory, Josephine Stull and Ron Barrett.

Now that's a set of balls worth licking, but words fail me so I can't elaborate on why they're worth anything. However, you must pardon me because it's snack time! What kind of snacks? Why Scooby Snacks of course! Why Scooby Snacks? Because he can, that's why!

No really, why Scooby Snacks? Because he's working on his contortionist act so that he can travel in a bag and not stay in a kennel, so he needs all the engergy he can get. Plus, once he's done with his training, he gets to eat at the Cruiseship Buffet!

"They're mine, so I can bite them if I want to! And that's how my hammer hangs? And then afterwards, I'm gonna play me some Twister while I eat my Twizzlers!"

But why do you do it?

Because I just can, and do you know why I can? I can because my jewels are bigger than yours!

Well, you certainly disproved the old myth of going blind while..um...umm...good lord, what have you done to yourself? You have broken neck! Oh wait, you have a detactable spinal column. Carry on.

Extreme Waffling!

I have two folders sitting on top of my printer next to my computer. One is labeled "Blog Posts" and the other is labeled "Blog Posts". While this does sound confusing, the reality is anything but. The first folder called "Blog Posts" is the one that contains blog posts which are 99% complete and thus ready for posting.

And before you ask how 99% complete equals ready for posting, the answer is that the remaining 1% involves the simple annoyance of inserting links into the post (which is also 99% of the time).

The 2nd folder labeled "Blog Posts", which the first folder rests on, contains posts that fall into three unique categories of waffling:

1} Sleep inducing.

2} No longer relevant.

3} Misconstrued.

These three particular categories were create by me for the express purpose of hoarding pre-written posts until I feel comfortable enough in unleashing them on you the reader.

Confused? Welcome to my world. But we'll try to make your visit to my world (not necessarily this blog, which are two completely different animals) as painless as possible.

Sleep Inducing.

In most circles, I'm known as a reasonably bright goy, in that a good chunk of the time, I can hold my own while talking about a particular subject. By the same token, there are times when I can't, and I'll admit to that fact and politely disengage.

But then there are times when I can positively put people asleep simply by bloviating on a personally chosen topic. One such post I have stored away is about health insurance.

Now, unlike some people who don't have a clue about health insurance (i.e. politicians, social activists and the media), I can talk with a reasonable degree of knowledge about health insurance, mostly from a financial standpoint.

Sleep inducing? You bet your sweet ass it is. Hot button topic? Absolutely. Which is why you'll won't see it here for the foreseeable future. I like you and I don't want to bore you to death.

No Longer Relevant.

Because I write so many posts ahead of time, there are times when a given post simply isn't relevant any more.

Case in point: I had originally written a three part post about what I should work on next back in mid-October. However, by the time I was ready to post part one, my novel was released. This was no big thing as it forced me to tweak the post before putting it up.

However, by the time part three rolled around, the post became irrelevant. Between part 2 & part 3, I did a little networking and thus developed a small lead for one of my novellas.

Doing that made my mini-series relatively obsolete for the foreseeable, and thus the remaining post went to the folder of no return.

Easily Misconstrued.

This one is the most sensitive category I have, in that I have a couple of posts that I wrote during one my numerous bouts of self doubt. If I were to post any of these, I believe that you the reader would easily, and possibly permanently, take it the wrong way.

Nothing can destroy a friendship/relationhip faster than saying something that people could misconstrue.

To sum it up, not everything that I write for the blog makes it to the blog. Sometimes, self censorship is better than shoving your foot down to the ankle in your mouth 'cause you blew your emergency brake.

Dinner!

Breakfast, Lunch

To complete this meal trilogy we shall now bloviate on the topic of dinner.

Unlike breakfast, in which I usually inhale the same thing day in and day out, I can usually vary what I eat at dinner, and just like lunch, I can get a little creative as well.

At dinner, because I take the same amount of meds that I do at breakfast, I have the same kind of leeway with my calories like I do at breakfast. And just like at breakfast, I have to make sure I eat the right kind of calories. If this sound confusing, it's not. To simplify, if I have the right mix of sugar based and non-sugar based calories, then I don't suffer from a low blood sugar attack. Wrong mix, then we suffer from a low blood sugar attack, which in turn freaks out anyone who has the unfortunate experience of witnessing it.

Anyways, back to dinner.

Because I have basically eliminated certain types of cuisine from my dies (most Italian, Chinese and some American BBQ), the variety I have to play with isn't much, so I try to get the most out of it.

My dinner (usually) consists of three items: meat/fish/poultry, side dish and veggie. Because if anything, my dinner may not be 100% healthy, but at least its relatively balanced.

On the entree side, I will usually cook up either bratwurst, kielbasa, Italian sausage (hot, not sweet, 'cause sweet has corn syrup), skinless thighs or homemade hot wings. Sometimes I'll season with hot sauce, garlic or crushed red pepper, before chucking it into the oven. If I'm having chicken, sometimes I'll marinade for the oven, or cut it up for a mini stir fry (with olive oil). If I'm having seafood like scallops or popcorn shrimp, maybe a dash of lemon juice added to it. If I'm having cold seafood (imitation crab for example), then lemon juice or tartar sauce.

For sides, not only does it depend on what I was in the mood for while shopping, but it also depends on how much effort I want to put into making it. For the purpose of this post, we'll go with being overly enthusiastic about cooking. Since I'm being overly enthusiastic about cooking today, we'll be having a side of either chicken flavored, beef flavored or non-flavored rice. More often than not, we'll go with non-flavored rice as it's much more fun to add other flavors to it.

And finally, we move on to the veggies. 99% of the time, the veggie of choice is corn. I love corn, be it canned or fresh on the cob. I like cooked peppers and onions, but only as a compliment to a main entree like sausage. The other 1% of the time I will have a (usually) pre-made side salad that I will sometimes beef up with other assorted odds & ends. Dressing is usually red-wine vinegar and oil, simply because it contains about a gram of sugar per serving (lemon juice).

So my friends, this concludes my mini-series on what I eat for the three basics Monday thru Thursday. What I eat on Friday, Saturday and Sunday, is a whole other post entirely.

And lest we forget to ask the all important always duplicated by better people elsewhere question, what's on your plate for the evening meal (or morning, if you work the overnight and your meal habit is flipped)?

Kids And Marriage

How Do You Decide Who To Marry?

You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dips coming.

Alan, age 10

No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with.

Kirsten, age 10

What Is The Right Age To Get Married?

Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.

Camile, age 10

No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married.

Freddie, age 6

How Can A Stranger Tell If Two People Are Married?

Married people usually look happy to talk to other people.

Eddie, age 6

You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.

Derrick, age 8

What Do You Think Your Mom And Dad Have In Common?

Both don't want no more kids.

Lori, age 8

What Do Most People Do On A Date?

Dates are for having fun and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.

Lynnette, age 8

On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.

Martin, age 10

What Would You Do On A First Date That Was Turning Sour?

I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns.

Craig, age 9

When Is It OK To Kiss Someone?

When they're rich.

Pam, age 7

The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that.

Curt, age 7

The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.

Howard, age 8

Is It Better To Be Single Or Married?

It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.

Anita, age 9

Single is better, for the simple reason that I wouldn't want to change no diapers. Of course, if I did get married, I'd just phone my mother and have her come over for some coffee and diaper-changing.

Kristen, age 10

How Would The World Be Different If People Didn't Get Married?

There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?

Kelvin, age 8

You can be sure of one thing--the boys would come chasing after us just the same as they do now.

Roberta, age 7

How Would You Make A Marriage Work?

Tell your wife that she looks pretty even if she looks like a truck.

Ricky, age 10

Breakfast!

Lunch!

Breakfast is the 2nd most fun you can have while eating. Why? Because depending on your age and work habits, almost anything can pass for breakfast. And contrary to popular opinion, it is not the most important meal of the day (just ask my daughter Jenelle)

And to give you the 4-1-1 on breakfast, here is my good bud Yello Bear, who made sure that he got good and smashed at yesterday's wild office party in preparation to today's informative monologue. Take it away Yello Bear!

Oh man, never, repeat, never mix Jagermeister with Tequila. Uggh...I think my blood alcohol is still sitting in the 1.9's. Still, you'll be happy to know that I did not drink and drive to get here today. I drank and crawled on my hands and knees. Do you know long it takes to crawl from that there tree down to the basement? And don't ask how I got to the tree. All I know is that there was a lot of screaming, squeezing and somehow I woke up with four telephone numbers pinned to my sweater.

Anyways, back to today's topic. If you're a kid, chances are that breakfast usually involves cereal hot or cold), juice/milk, and some kind of toast/waffle/pastry. Maybe some kind of egg product is involved, maybe some kind of meat (MEAT!) as well.

As you get older, your tastes change. Maybe you skip the hot cereal and just have a bowl of cold. Perhaps some kind of nuke 'em egg product or some kind of leftover ('fess up, you probably did this like G.B. did while growing up. Pizza anyone?).

And finally, when you get to be an adult, breakfast can be whatever you happen to find while running around like a chicken with their head cut off trying to get to work on time.

Whoops, excuse me.

the sound of a toilet flushing some three minutes later is the unmistakable sign that last night did not agree with Yello Bear.

Uggh....gotta remember to chew it back. Anyways, I'm sure most of you are not like that last example, and in fact either have a sensible breakfast M thru F or indulge on the weekends.

For G.B., breakfast has more or less become like his lunch, in that he has to watch his caloric and sugar intake. Let me describe to you what G.B.'s typical breakfast is 99% of the time.

After his cat Holly wakes him up for her breakfast, he collects his morning beds and staggers downstairs to feed himself and the cat. Holly's is dry cat food (no wet, 'cause wet equals barfing.

He nukes water for his coffee, and yes, he does instant. To him, coffee is coffee, unless it's from D&D, in which case it tastes like Autocrat on steroids. In other words, crap.

While the water is boiling, he toasts two frozen waffles (or bread if he's out of waffles) and pours himself a bowl of either generic rice krispies, cheerios or corn flakes (sugar content on all is less than 3g per). He takes out either two small pieces of sausages to nuke or two slices of turkey bacon to nuke once the water is boiled.

He then takes out a ziploc bag of canned fruit and takes exactly two pieces out and puts them in a small bathroom cup. This, believe it or not, is actually one of his two servings of fruit for the day.

Excuse me again....

The sound of a toilet flushing yet again some three minutes later is the unmistakable sign that this morning isn't going to well for Yello Bear.

Uggh...by this time the meat is done and he plops the waffles/toast on the plate. He then pours either some sugar free syrple or spreads some oleo on the toast and thus, breakfast is depressingly done.

The other 1% of the time is when G.B. splurges while grocery shopping and buys either a four pack of nuke 'em egg thingys or one of those nuke 'em breakfast bowl thingys (took G.B. an awfully long time to eat scrambled eggs in a non sandwich form).

So his breakfast looks like this for at least 4 days a week:

1} Waffles (w/syrup or sliced cheese)/Toast (with cheese or s.f. jelly).
2} Meat (sausage or turkey bacon).
3} Cereal (always cold, never hot, and only 2% of the time does he have cereal that isn't what was previously mentioned).
4} Coffee (no cream/milk. He has an intense dislike of liquid milk/cream or dry creamer) with three sugar substitutes.
5} Two very small pieces of fruit.

The only time he will eat non-sandwich style eggs M-F is if he actually goes to a restaurant, and has someone cook it for him. On a rare weekend, he will actually cook himself eggs, but that usually becomes a fried egg sandwich for lunch.

Since my stomach is churning once again from talking about food, I need to split the scene for a spell. Before I do, G. B. wanted me to ask you what's on your plate for the first meal of the day?

Advertisers Love Me, Oh Yeah!

Order replica Prada products! Abercrombie & Fitch? Bring it on! Ugg boots! Sushi! Gucci knock-off! Louis Vuittons! Payday Loan! Bridesmaid Dresses? Absolutely! I'll look stunning! Hermes handbags!! Yes! Yes! Is there more? You bet your sweet bippy there is!

My friends, this is but a sample of what doesn't make it to my blog on a daily basis. Every two days, I purge out of my spam filter about 50 spam comments that Blogger was able to redirect. I won't say that they weren't published on any of my post, simply because I moderate comments, so more often than not, they don't slip by to the next state of my comment queue, which is the link on my dashboard that says "X amount of comments awaiting moderation."

The one detrimental aspect of getting all of these spam comments is that is does a phantom jacking of my most popular posts. If you take a gander at the top five list on the left (you have to click through to see it if you're reading this via the e-mail or reader) at least three of the posts are there directly due to the shenanigans of those wonderful advertisers out there.

Sad to think that the top five posts are there not because people read them (especially if the post is four years old) but because advertisers use them in an attempt to clog up my blog with pointless verbiage.

I'm sure that you're wondering how I can put such a positive spin on receiving pointless verbiage on my blog without going nuclear? Well my friends, it's really simple. You have to have some faith that your host server can get the job done and you have to want to do whatever it takes to help your host server get the job done.

If you do the following step, chances are very good that you can cut down on the amount of spam that actually goes onto your blog. What I mean by "actually" is when you open up the comment section to a blog post and you see a spam comment on it.

Moderate your comments. Alternative: remove the ability of people to leave "Anon" comments.

If you moderate your comments, it gives Blogger a base platform to start from, because it force the comment into your moderation queue. And if the same IP is leaving the comment, this allows Blogger to eventually flag it and automatically move it to your spam filter.

Removing "Anon" eliminates the need for Blogger to flag comments, because no spammer that I know of actually has an ID to play with.

However, do keep in mind that if you do have spam filter, make sure that you go through it at least once a day. I suggest this because sometimes a comment from a regular reader will make it into your spam filter, either accidentally by Blogger, or if you're like me, accidentally hitting "spam" instead of "publish".

These really are the two most effective ways of cutting down on spam comments that I've found in the past 4 1/2 year of blogging. There are a few other ways to cut down on spam comments, but they have the side effect of irritating and potentially alienating your regular readers.

So remember kids, if you're tired of wiping out spam comments on your blog 'cause you really don't want your readers to go out on a seriously overpriced shopping trip and blaming your for it (or worse), using G.B.'s advice will make your blog super user friendly and fun place to visit.

However, if you really do want your readers to go on a seriously overpriced shopping trip, put up the links that the designers have created in the first place for their product.

Welcome To Radio Geezer!

I have a strong urge to post something mindlessly upbeat. Today's post, which was postponed from last Saturday, hopes to do just that by bringing a slight smile to your face and slightly less heavier heart.


Where fresh and innovative makes the corporate suits break out in hives!

So get ready to relive those glory years of music, 'cause we all know that change is bad! Bad! Bad! Bad!

Familiarity is good, 'cause it makes the corporate suits cream their pants! Good! Good! Good!

The first track on this eight c.d. set that passes for 12 hours of programming, which gets repeated in random order the next 12 hours is Amie by Pure Prarie League.

This is the only song that you'll ever hear from that fantastic album "Bustin' Out", 'cause it was the only one that charted super-duper high on Billboard. And you can forget about the fact that the album is one long story of romance and heartache and that the ony way you can appreciate the song "Amie" is to listen to the preceding track.

No sir, you won't find up digging deeper into an album, because we're Radio Geezer!

Next up for your listening pleasure, the world's most overplayed live song that isn't from Frampton Comes Alive.

I Want You To Want Me by Cheap Trick.

Yes ladies and gentleman, boys and girls, children of all ages. Cheap Trick, who had memorable albums and memorable songs (Surrender, Dream Police and The Flame) are all but reduced to a live song that features screaming fans from Japan. We love live music here at Radio Geezer and we especially love live music that has a top 100 hit connected to it,'cause we just love Billboard's Hot 100. Most importantly, we love listening to fans scream becasue a concert is about the money, not about the music. So we also wouldn't play this song by them either.



And right after Cheap Trick, we have the most annoying power ballad ever to come from a Canadian blues player: Angel Eyes by Jeff Healey.

Yup. You can forget about us digging deeper into his debut c.d. or anything else, 'cause you know wedding songs are da bomb, no matter who plays them. So what if the rest of his album rocks, especially this song:



Radio Geezer is into the "Ka Ching!" of the cash register, 'caue you know that our goal is to make the suits happy, not you.

And finally, the last song that Radio Geezer will play for this hour, 'cause you know 4 songs are our maximum output. Anymore than that, then we have to cut advertising spots, and that'll make the suits go super limp faster than seeing a sexy picture of the Minority Speaker of the House.

Rock & Roll All Night by KISS!

Yes, as much as we love old rock, we love it even more when old rock bands try to jump on a trend and come out with a song that truly sucks. DISCO!!!! We love disco, and how much more discotech can you get than KISS?

Rock meets disco meets Billboard Hot 100! Ahh...I can just smell the Wall Street suits instantly creaming their pants over that song, but certainly not over this one:



And for our next hour of programming we will feature faves from you the listener. Yes, here's your chance to tell Radio Geezer what's your most favorite overplayed song on the radio. Doesn't matter what genre, 'cause we like it all!