"MY GOD!! I JUST CAN'T GET ANYTHING TO GEL!! I MUST BE THE MOST INCOMPETENT WRITER ON THE PLANET! MY KIDS COULD WRITE BETTER THAN ME RIGHT NOW!! WHAT IS THE MATTER WITH ME...." when, in the middle of his rant, Walter came to a complete stop in front of his late wife's picture. Staring at for a few minutes, he became mesmerized by the eyes staring back, nay, taunting to him, as if to say, yes it was your fault that I'm dead.
Feeling like a man possessed, Walter stiffened as he felt the presence of his wife's spirit enter the study. He dropped to his knees in fear as his wife materializes before his eyes. Looking up, he screams in horror as his wife appears to him not as she normally looked like in life, but as she did in death. He cries uncontrollably at the sight of his wife, his wife however, has a look of serenity on her face and complete emptiness for Walter.
Motioning for him to get up and move to the couch, she glides over to the end table. She then motions for Walter to open the drawer, which he does and is shocked at what he finds: a .44 automatic tucked under a cloth. Shakily, he picks up the .44 from the drawer and looks at his wife, who gives him a look of resignation, as if to say, this is the coward's way out.
As she prepares to vanish back to the other realm, she hears him cry out, "So be it!!", then hears the hammer being cocked. Eyes widened, she whirls around just in time to see that....
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
5 comments:
Go on, give me your best shot. I can take it. If I couldn't, I wouldn't have created this wonderful little blog that you decided to grace with your presence today.
About that comment moderation thingy: While yes, it does say up above I can take it, I only use it to prevent the occasional miscreant from leaving thoughtless and/or clueless comments.
So remember, all of your comments are greatly appreciated and all answers will be given that personal touch that you come to expect and enjoy.
G. B. Miller
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Okay, Georgie, I'll take a crack at it. First off, let me say what a great hook--or to put it another way--how could you leave me like that!
ReplyDeleteA couple of thoughts for you. We start out this section in past tense--Walter stiffened, Walter dropped to his knees. Then in mid-sentence we change to present tense (His wife appears). I think it would read a little smoother all in one tense.
There is also a point of view change right at the end (she hears him cry) that you might want to think about.
Small stuff. The tension in this is wonderful, the pace great, and as I said, that hook--You got me.
Like I stated earlier, this was my first attempt at writing a sequel, so it was very much a feeling out process as I wrote it.
ReplyDeletePoint of view is something I sometimes get confused on because I'm always mixing up 1st and 3rd (forget about 2nd for now). I'm assuming that I'm finishing this story up in 3rd(?), so you're suggesting I make it into 1st?
I have no problem with fixing the small stuff. I have to start somewhere, and the small stuff is the best way to do it.
Thanks for the compliments and the advice. I really do appreciate it.
Whoa, cool twist!
ReplyDeleteI think perhaps you could substitute "her" or her name to mix up all those times you said "his wife." It might take on a new life that way.
Just a suggestion, use it or lose it as you wish.
No, first person would be I. We are in Walter's POV (3rd person) throughout "Feeling like a man possessed" but at the end you switch to the dead wife's POV ("she hears him cry" instead of he cried.) You did it to ram up the tension, and it does. But what if you had the whole scene in one (her)POV?
ReplyDeleteJannie: I think I did the "his wife" bit because I didn't want to overkill on using the name. I thought that by sprinkling the name in every paragraph would have been a bit too much and possibly insult the reader in the process.
ReplyDeleteThat is an issue I'm trying to work out so I'm not sounding like a complete hack (semi-hack is preferred).
Christine: Interesting suggestion. Funny you should mention that, because I toyed with the idea of re-doing it as a ghost story of sorts, with Azalea (along with various angels from Heaven) narrating the story.
That sounds like it could work, if I can keep the tension the same.