Sunday, July 19, 2009

Because I'm A Man

Because I'm a man, when I lock my keys in the car, I will fiddle with a coat hanger long after hypothermia has set in.

Calling AAA is not an option. I will win.

Because I'm a man, when the car isn't running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If another man shows up one of us will say to the other, 'I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't know where to start.' We will then drink a couple of beers and break wind, as a form of holy communion.

Because I'm a man, when I catch a cold, I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You're a woman. You never get as sick as I do, so for you, this is no problem.

Because I'm a man, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like beer, milk or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like 'cumin' or 'tofu'. For all I know, these are the same thing.

Because I'm a man, when one of our appliance stops working, I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together.

Because I'm a man, I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss a whole show looking for it....though one time was able to survive by holding a calculator... (applies to engineers mainly)

Because I'm a man, there is no need to ask me what I'm thinking about. The true answer is always either sex, cars, sex, food. I have to make up something else when you ask, so don't ask.

Because I'm a man, I do not want to visit your mother, or have your mother come visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think about her any more than I have to. Whatever you got her for Mother's Day is okay; I don't need to see it. And don't forget to pick something up for my mother, too.

Because I'm a man, you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't....and if you are feeling amorous afterwards...then I will certainly at least remember the name and recommend it to others.

Because I'm a man, I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?

Because I'm a man and this is, after all, the year 2009, I will share equally in the housework. You just do the laundry, the cooking, the cleaning, the vacuuming, and the dishes, and I'll do the rest......Like wandering around the garden with a beer wondering what to do.

This has been a public service message for women to better understand men.

32 comments:

  1. "Because I'm a man, I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?"

    Story of my life. There is only two answers ladies. I hate it or it's fine. There are no levels of fineness.

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  2. Because I'm a man I enjoyed this post.

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  3. Bearman: Fortunately, as a man, I don't have that particular problem anymore.

    David: I actually got this e-mail from a female friend.

    So as a man, I enjoyed passing it along to my friends, because that what a man does.

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  4. Is it weird that I think these things? Well, minus opening the hood and thinking about cars. Unless that car is a Commander. I think about Commaders a lot...

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  5. Because I'm a woman, I really enjoyed this!

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  6. This was funny. :) I ran into a male friend at the grocery store the other day and had to show him where to find everything.

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  7. So, I'm gonna be a party pooper here and say I don't like gender stereotypoes of any kind! I tend to think there are male and female traits in both bio men and women. :)

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  8. That One Girl: Not weird. I think about these things as well, except I'm man enough to admit when I don't know diddly about something.

    Lynn: I actually do the grocery shopping in my house, and on the rare occasion that my wife comes along, I have to show her where certain things are.

    Talon: And as a modern man, I was glad to pass it on to you.

    LL Cool Joe: (Sorry, but I think your moniker is the funkiest one I've seen in a long time, be it the blog world or the chat rooms) No such thing as being a party pooper here. I've seen the same thing in both men and women. Especially the men.

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  9. Do you REALLY think a man wrote this, or did his wife write it for him ;)

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  10. Travis: Fer shure!

    Joanne: I really think that a woman wrote this, and yes probably his wife :-]

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  11. uh oh, by this list I'm not much of a man.

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  12. How funny, G. Especially the part about clothes and asking if I look fine.

    My husband will agree with you on this.

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  13. Charles: Perish the thought. You must be....you just gotta....

    Pink: That one question is such a particularly deadly one that in my house, I will answer it only after other people have answered it as well.

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  14. i honestly don't know any practical, take-it-apart, pop the hood of the car style men. most of the men i know are as bad at those things as i am.

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  15. The Projectivist: Welcome and thanks for visiting my blog.

    I know a few women who are practical like that. I don't mind admitting that when it comes to cars, I'm pretty much like what's described here.

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  16. Because I'm a woman, this made me laugh hysterically!

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  17. Actually, in my household, there is a level above "you look fine" -- it's "you look hot." If I get a "you look hot," then I know I really, honestly look good and I'm ready to go. If I get a "you look fine," it probably means I'm wearing old jeans and a t-shirt... it probably also means we're in a hurry and it doesn't matter WHAT I'm wearing... :)

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  18. Mama Zen: Glad I was able to start your day off right.

    Lisa: the only level above "you look fine" is when I say "you look fine". Beyond that, I have a tendency to keep my mouth closed.

    I save the "hot" comment for when the wife isn't around and I'm out and about...:-]

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  19. That was great. Even if I do feel like a bit less of a man myself.

    Because I am a man, I have finally figured out that th only way I can see your blog is if I'm not signed into blogger. (I have no idea what that's all about. But it's weird.)

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  20. Hi! Very cute essay! I'm just a t-shirt and jeans person myself and I never ask the hubby how I look. I have to admit I'm a little slow getting out the door. It must be a passive aggressive thing. I just hate being told when I have to be somewhere!

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  21. Alan: That is very odd indeed. But I'm glad that you like my little piece of humor.

    J-Marie: Long time no see. Hope you're doing well.

    It was a cute essay wasn't it? I used to get blitzed with stuff like that, but now it's been few and far between.

    Glad you liked it.

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  22. My husband is nodding "yes" after I read each one!

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  23. I've been really busy. Things are calming down though. Life cycles like that. I have to get back on the road now! You've been busy! Your blog is prolific. That's the word. Prolific. I see you have another book on the horizon. Is that Ray character from the first book? When you self-publish do you have to do the sales legwork? Like promoting your book to stores? Have you donated any copies to libraries? You know, get your work out into people's hands?

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  24. Thanks for compliment.

    Yeah, I've settled down into a patter of one post every other day. It seems to work for me and I'm happy with it.

    The Ray character isn't from the first book. He's one I made up for this particular upcoming book.

    Yes indeed, you do have to do the sales legwork for it. I haven't tried to do any stores, no. Quite frankly, I'm a bit afraid to do it that way. I do try to let people know about my book, by giving them business cards with my all of blogs addys on them.

    I do tell people to read my blogs first, in order to get a feel for how I write. I also tell them up front about what my first book contains, so that they can make an informed decision about it. Some people do like my blog content but aren't crazy about the type of stuff I write for stories.

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  25. This is sooooo funny, Georgie! Loved this post.

    The remote in your hands at all times while you're watching t.v. I've got a man like that too.

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  26. I've long ago stopped watching t.v. with the remote in my hand (actually, long ago stopped watching t.v.), but when I do, the remote now sits on top of the t.v., which is about two feet away from me.

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  27. This reminds me of one of those joke email forwards- Oh,it is!

    I just think, for a woman, sick isin't an option- you must keep going cus someone has too-

    n I don't do the man-woman thing much, cus I was a single Parent for over 20 years! I can fix cars, boats, bikes, n act just as strange as any guy! I've had to do everything so long now- I don't care what gender is supposed to! (nevermind I grew up a tomboy playing baseball n climbing trees-)
    Guess I'm a libber, kinda.

    Wow- look how Hot topics get the comments up!

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  28. It's kind of bizarre I agree. I'll put a thought provoking post up and get maybe five or six comments, which is about average for my blog.

    Then I put a piece of humor up, and viola, people hit me from all sides.

    Maybe I should turn my blog into a e-mail joke blog. :-]

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  29. Yeah, it's weird what posts make people comment and also how certain posts will bring out new commentators who have been reading for a while but who haven't showed their faces. Surprisingly, a couple of mine appeared when I posted poetry - Wonders will never cease!

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  30. Most definitely. I got some good reactions from the first one I posted (Have a Shay Day) but this one really blew me away.

    I mean, anything that pokes fun at men will always, I mean, always bring out the women who say "Yes, my husband/boyfriend is exactly like that!"

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Go on, give me your best shot. I can take it. If I couldn't, I wouldn't have created this wonderful little blog that you decided to grace with your presence today.

About that comment moderation thingy: While yes, it does say up above I can take it, I only use it to prevent the occasional miscreant from leaving thoughtless and/or clueless comments.

So remember, all of your comments are greatly appreciated and all answers will be given that personal touch that you come to expect and enjoy.

G. B. Miller

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All the content that you see here, except for the posting of links that refer to other off-blog stories, is (c) 2008-17 by G.B. Miller. Nothing in whole or in part may be used without the express written permission of myself. If you wish to use any part of what you see here, please contact me at georgebjr2006@gmail.com