"Testing, testing, 1, 2, 1, 2. Are we good?"
sound engineer gives him a thumbs up.
"Good, good. Are we ready then?"
director gives him a five fingered countdown
"Good afternoon and welcome to 'How do you do what you do when it's due?', where we tackle the topics that only a show whose Neilson rating is lower than a re-run of Davy and Goliath on C-Span 2 would have the gumption to do. I'm your host, the effervescent Bobby Bummer!
"Our topic of choice today is motivation, and here to share his lack of viewpoint of the subject, the wonderfully-talented-with-the-ginormous-ego-owner-of-two-only-important-in-his-mind-blogs, G".
G gives a puzzled look, then answers in tone dripping with sarcasm: Thanks for that gracious introduction Bob!
BB completely oblivious to how pissed off his guest is: Thanks G. So, let's get right down to the bare minimum, the rock bottom, the dirt cheap...
BB: the skinny, the low down, the I can get it for you at wholesale..,.
BB Bob falls out of the chair and cracks his head on the floor: Oomph!
G shakes his head in disgust, looks at his watch and holds it up.
the scores for the local football league suddenly appear on the screen: 25-21, 21-19, 19-17, and 2-0
Stoner dude walks across the stage, gives G a low five, then grabs Bob by the ankles and drags him off the stage. He then reappears and takes the seat formerly occupied by Bob
Stoner takes a deep drag off his roach: Dude! It says here on this piece of paper that I should ask you how do you get properly motivated to write?
G takes the roach and takes a hit for himself: Good stuff there kiddo.
G: Right-O. Anyways, it all depends on what kind of story I want to write. For instance, if I want to write a story that is either angry or sad, I think about something that makes me either incredibly angry or incredibly sad. Nothing worse than trying to write something angry and you're happy as a pig in shit.
Stoner takes the roach back and takes another hit: Whoa, that is so deep. Is that all you do before you write?
G: Pretty much. takes out a bottle of tequila and takes a swig Wanna hit? Good stuff, make you mellower than a cat laying in the grass on a sunny afternoon soaking up the sun with its tummy.
G takes the bottle back: Anything else you wanna ask me?
Stoner: Ummm...wait a minute. searches his pockets for a few seconds before pulling out a crumpled piece of paper Yeah...why are most of your characters raving sex maniacs? Furthermore, why do you use sex as a weapon? Finally, what's it like to know that you'll always be an unpublished has been?
G leaps out of his chair and spears the stoner to the ground. Quickly climbing on top, he pins his shoulders with his knees and starts dropping heavy bombs, turning the stoner's face into a bloody crimson mess.
Suddenly, the screen goes blank and we hear the breathless voice of Bobby Bummer over the X-rated verbiage spewing forth in the background say
"Tune in next week for our exclusive pay per view broadcast of the second part of this interview!!!"
My good friends, since this post was such a boffo hit, I will try to write the pay per view followup to this. Don't touch that dial!!