Back in my younger days, I was an incredibly funny guy. Full of wit and sarcasm, my sharp tongue skewered anyone and anything that happened to get on my bad side. As I got older, the sharpness became mellower and more focused. Instead of using a sawed-off shotgun approach (in and of itself, incredibly messy. I mean, who wants to clean up a blood splatter that covers an entire wall?) for my witticisms and sarcasm, I used a sharpshooter's approach, and made the target as narrow as possible.
The target? Moi.
Granted, using yourself as a perpetual target for humor can be rewarding at times. But at other times, it can be extremely uncomfortable. Why? Because using yourself as a target opens up to the world, a private part of your personality/character that only your family or your closet friends really knows about.
Case in point is this post. While I was printing out the last of 2008, I came across an excellent humor piece that I wrote about women. Not only did I expertly poke fun at myself (naturally), but after reading it again, I decided it would have made a perfect part four to last month's series of posts called "Me So Horny".
The original post was called "Naughty, Naughty", which is a title of a John Parr song that was popular back in the late 80's (I believe it came out at the same time as "St. Elmo's Fire"). The song had such an infectious hook that whenever it came on the radio, I used to bury the volume at 10. In keeping with the same theme, the title of this post is taken from the same song. In fact, it's the third line of the chorus.
Warning: this post is quite long (with this intro, almost three pages), and the content might make some of you out there just a little bit uncomfortable. Even though it was written tongue-planted-firmly-in-cheek, there is a small undertone of seriousness throughout the post. If anything, it will give you the reader another insight on what makes me tick as a writer.
I haven't done one of these in a while, so please imagine an official sounding voice doing the read through.
The Disclaimer: This post will contain content that will be highly offensive/narrow minded to some readers. If you are one of those select few who are offended by narrow-mindedness, then please click on one of the labels to the left of this post. There you will find something more to your liking.
We've all had naughty thoughts at one time or another in our lives. Today's lively discussion will be about the naughty thoughts (get your mind out of that Maxim magazine) one has about the opposite sex, which in the case of this blog, is female.
Some time ago, (2007 to be exact) I participated in a chat thread called "Are women as sexy as they used to be?" I was of the opinion that the women of today can still be sexy even if they don't blatantly show it all. Sexy is a state of mind and a state of being, no matter what the age.
For instance, I work with women that range in age from the mid-twenties to the mid-forties, and let me tell you there is a world of difference between them.
Sexy is lost on the twenty somethings. Provocative is not. I have met women in that sub thirty age range, who even though they work in an office environment, have questionable tastes in clothing attire. While what they choose to wear would be perfect in the outside world (and I will give you an example in a second), would not be welcomed in the office, simply because of the heightened state of awareness for offensive behavior.
To give you an example (see?), what I'm about to describe I have actually seen, which has made me stop and watch until they got out of sight, before I gave myself an internal slap of the face.
1) Tight form fitting jeans that accentuate the ass and the legs quite nicely.
2) Tight, relatively form fitting shirts, with a neckline that plunges a bit too far and accentuates the.....rack. Yum!
3) Long hair not set (tied up in some form), just naturally curled or straight. Sensual!!
4) Nice set of earrings.
5) Boots that are more appropriate for a night on the town (the shoes, gots to be the shoes!)
Or they'll be wearing a dress that's more appropriate out there than in the office. WOOF!
Basically, the sub-thirty set wears clothing specifically designed to get the guys to stare, ogle, drool and act stupid. In other words, normal.
Brief interlude as a lady walks into view. Georgie leans over to watch until she disappears from view.
The sub-forty age bracket understands the concept of putting out, without putting out. Most of the ones I come into contact with can look exceptionally fine without resorting to the type of clothing faux paux that the sub-thirty regularly engages in.
They keep themselves fit and trim, they exude self confidence and dress well. In essence, being sexy without looking sexy.
Example would be that the women I come across on a daily basis are visually pleasing without being tasteless. In other words, I'm not gonna stand/sit there and ogle, discreetly or otherwise.
Instead, I'll simply give a sincere and heartfelt compliment about their appearance. This is called "playing the game at work." While there is no ulterior motive behind it, it does have its advantages, in that it doesn't put me into circulation, it does keep me in practice and on my toes. What I meant by "on my toes" is that....
A brief pause again as a relatively attractive lady stops by to ask a question or two, before continuing on her way. Georgie doesn't poke his head out, but simply savors the moment.
What I mean by "keeping me on my toes" is that the typical sub-forty member not only dresses to impress, but dresses to be noticed.
1) Jeans. Comfortable yet not quite form fitting.
2) Casual dresses. Knee length, flowing tastefully. Enough to leave something to the imagination.
3) Hair tastefully done.
4) Footwear tastefully done.
Above all, exudes enough confidence that no mater what, someones head will turn. Like mine.
Which brings us to the over forty crowd, who put out only a little, without putting out at all.
They dress sensibly, work out and exude such an aura of confidence that they can pump up or flatten out a man's ego with just their body language. Additionally....
Georgie gets distracted as an unknown lady walks by, the light scent of jasmine engulfing his table. He looks up in time to catch a sight of a good looking forty something disappearing down an aisle of books.
lower lip quivers, and suddenly he flips)
Additionally...did I mention the aura of sexuality too? Who boy, do they ooze sexuality. They don't have to do anything beyond being their natural, luscious selves. I mean, have you gotten a look at the average forty something lately? They are simply hot without trying to be.
1) They dress to kill. Whatever they wear, it accentuates the ass, the legs and the.....rack.
2) Forget everything else, all they have to do is simply walk on by and heads will turn.
3) Oh man the hair. Can you picture the hair? Long shoulder to waist length, braided, dreads, loose, highlighted....
4) Forget that, go back to the rest of the body...
Two women walk into the picture and confront Georgie over his sudden flipping of the switch. One gets in his face and starts berating him for his suggestive remarks and flip manner, while the other starts to hit him about the face and head. Suddenly a few more women come out to get a piece of the action. Before long all hell breaks loose, with the sounds of screams and someone being pummeled. Georgie has one last gasp and is able to type out a couple more words before succumbing to the deluge.
Somebody help me.
After a while, the noise dies down and the mob of angry women dissipates. A few minutes later, a hand appears over the top of the table. Then another. Finally, a battered and bruised Georgie makes an appearance. Taking out his broken laptop, the screen completely disengaged from the keyboard, he types out his final thoughts, before passing out.
To those who think that being in the middle of a group of beautiful women is a good thing, I say to you....BULLSHIT!