Friday, March 5, 2010

Got Suggestions?

Hey there.

I spent the other day during my break time at work, writing some free form flash fiction, and I would like your suggestions on where I should go with it, because I think it's a nifty beginning to a short story that I could (hopefully) post on FSG. The last nifty idea I came up with is currently blowing up in my face and could wind up being the first thing I start querying with, as opposed to my current W.i.P. that is sitting foresaken and forlorn next to my computer on the printer.

I don't have any kind of working title for this particular flash yet, so any suggestions you can come up on that would help too. In any event, here is my little piece of flash.


A solitary figure walks with a sense of urgency through the dreariness of the weather beaten forest. Wearing spiked boots, a green & brown striped dress that stops just above the knees, and a black vest, she is dressed not to impress, but for comfort. Unfortunately, that potential comfort zone was left behind when Neptune decided to take a day trip to the heavens.

A loud clap of thunder brings her journey to a halt, and a concentrated cloudburst cements that stationary spot. By the time it finishes some three minutes later, she finds herself knee deep in Mother Nature.

Taking a deep breath, she stuck two fingers in her mouth and blew a long, low whistle. When she'd finished, she crossed her arms and waited.

And waited.

And waited.

By the time someone came rambling by, she had steam rising from her head and flames shooting out from her split ends.

"Milady," said the horseman, as he scrambled down from his horse...and fell face first into the muck.

She closed her eyes and the horseman, who somehow managed to turn his head sideways, gasped in horror as he saw her split ends rise up above her head.


(c)2010 by GBMJr. All rights reserved


  1. This is interesting. I like it. For some reason, I started to think of an X-men character like Storm as I read this scene. Would you want to explore how this phenomenon happening to her also affected the natural world around her? I also am thinking about mythology as I ponder this story. Very engaging. I think you could go multiple ways. Your imagery and story tension are bringing us along for a great ride. Good luck!

  2. One of your best, yet G!!

    I loved it.


  3. It seems like you are traveling down a goth/horror road. So I would suggest lots of violence, darkness, and exploding bodice.

  4. Sounds like an interesting twist on a fairy tale/mythology type story. A possible title from within the piece here is "Day Trip to the Heavens." I'm afraid I'm not going to be much help though.

  5. Kelly: The mythology angle would work as that is something I've been thinking about exploring.

    Thanks for the complements.

    Jannie: Thanks, but it could be soon.

    David: Interesting. I was in that type of a mindset when I was writing it, but when I got to the end, I wasn't sure which way to continue. Darknes is something I want to explore with my writing as well. Violence is pretty easy, and exploding bodice would be a snap.

    Charles: I think some elements of a fairy tale with modern twist is very doable.

    The title sounds like it could work, with possibly a god or two worked in as well.

    And all help is appreciated, no matter how small or big it may be.

  6. has she been struck by lightning? or is she stuck in mud and why are there flames coming from her hair?

    or is Neptune her dad from a moment of indiscretion in her mum's youth, which Neptune doesn't know about and with him tripping off to heaven his eldest child is automatically left in charge, and nobody knew about her and now everybody is very puzzled back at the underwater palace cause the person they expected to be left in charge hasn't magically received his temporary kingship and flaming hair and all the sneaky courtiers that have wanted to take over for years revolt and ...

    sorry - got a little carried away there.

  7. Interesting:) I'd liked to see where you go with this. I agree with David sounds like a Goth/Horror route - although I'm a bit worried it's gonna turnout as a shampoo commercial:)

  8. Samantha: I'm impressed.

    I'm not sure what else I could say beyond that was the best comment I've seen to aything I've written here in quite sometime. I think that was an excellent spin on a potential backstory for the story.

    Jane: The goth/horror tangent does sound doable, at least more doable than three vampire-type hunter stories I got 25% finished sitting around here gathering dust.

  9. I'm thinking something in England before 1900. No? BTW, my word verification is orosax.

  10. R.K.: I think the general consensus is the U.K. with a goth/horror/mythology bent to it, so i think your suggestion is a good as the others.


    That's a good chuckle.

  11. "Heaven Help Neptune"

    As her hair forms a perfect orb shape a bolt of lighting sizzles dazzling upon her. Neptune commands the rains to cease immediately!
    "Oh why didn't I think of that earlier?"{

    Don't forget to include alot of soon to be beaten up guys who insult her fashion choice...

    I have no idea where this tale is headed tho...

    hey- word ver: cryo-ecti

  12. It seems that my little piece of flash is giving a few of my readers a wonderful case of the sillies.

    I like that.

    Snaggle: It might contain that element for a change of pace, since what I write usually doesn't have any kind of violenct contained within, except maybe emotional or spiritual.

  13. Very engaging ... Another way you could go is have her disentangle from this situation and walk out of the woods into her "normal" everyday life, kind of a dual thing going on, with hints of both lives in each. Fun piece!

  14. Joanne: That's an interesting idea to pursue...haven't written one of those in quite some time.


  15. Thanks.

    I do get them from time to time. :D

  16. G, your other readers have done a great job on comments and suggestions. I got confused when Neptune entered the picture, and it felt as if the modern and ancient worlds collided.

    I'd like to read a continuation.

  17. Pamela: Thanks.

    I got really weird while I was writing it. I mean, it started normal enough, with the description of what the lady was wearing, plus I had her walking in the woods. As a matter of fact, I have used those opening sentences elsewhere.

    Then I made a left turn when I decided I needed to describe a rainstorm by using a figure from mythology. I think what happened was this: I have a reference book at work about World Mythology, and I was flipping through it trying to come up with a name for a beach (very long story to that), and I think that's how I came up with the figure of Neptune.

    Beyond that, I just simply got wierd while writing it.

    But at least I got enough suggestions to help me fiddle around with the story.


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