Last week while I was searching through my three dozen floppies for the appropriate photograph to best explain my lack of presence, I found two floppy discs worth of seriously old e-mails (circa 2004) that I somehow remembered to save in between stops at the various state agencies that employed me. How old were these? Well, the format back then was a version of Word circa 1996-2000, so everything on the disc was translated to the built in Notepad program that everyone's computer has. Lucky for you (be very afraid), I moved the contents of those two discs to my computer, so I have about 2.9 MB worth of e-mails to pester you with.
Without further ado, I present to you the first in an occasional series of the stuff that guv'ment workers really do on the taxpayer's dime.
A WEEK AT THE GYM
For my forty-fifth birthday this year my wife (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me.
Although I am still in great shape since playing on my college football team twenty-five years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.
Called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 year old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swimwear. My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress....
Monday: Started my day at 6a. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for me. She is something of a Greek goddess--with blond hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!
Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the machines. She took my pulse after five minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her in her Lycra aerobic outfit. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she conducted her aerobis class after my workout today. Very inspiring. Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my but was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!! Just think I am having all this fun, with this gorgeous lady and getting into shape as well!!!! What could be better?
Tuesday: I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air--then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. She inspires me so!!
I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me. I'm a little sore, but I can't wait till tomorrow.
Wednesday: The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO Metro in the club parking lot.
Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams of agony bothered other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying.
My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the heck would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other stuff too.
Thursday: Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late, it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid in the men's room. She sent Lars (the big mean guy) to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing machine--which I sank.
Friday: I hate Belinda more than any human being has hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic little cheerleader. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it.
Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps.I don't having any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the dad-gone, stupid, freaking barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich (Which I am sure you learned in the sadist school you attended and graduated magna cum laude from). The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?
Saturday: Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her made me want to smash the machine with my diary. However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.
Sunday: I'm having the Church van, with the chair lift, pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my wife will choose a gift for me that is fun--like a root canal or a vasectomy.