Sunday, January 23, 2011

Connecticut Barbie!

Over at Shooting Suburbia we have the final part of "Fun, Diversion, Family & Familia", in which I continue to scare you into normalcy. Over here, we have a classic bit of e-mail humor with a very local flavor added to the mix.


Mattel recently announced the release of Limited Edition Barbie dolls for the Connecticut market:

1} Darien Barbie--This princess Barbie is only sold at Neiman's. She comes with an assortment of Kate Spade handbags, a Lexus SUV, a long haired dog named Honey, and a 3500 SF house. Available with or without tummy tuck and face lift. Workaholic Ken sold only in conjunction with "augmented" version.

2} Harwinton Barbie--This modern day homemaker Barbie is available with Ford Windstar minivan and matching gym outfit. She gets lost easily and has no full time occupation or secondary education. Traffic jamming cell phone included, headset sold separately.

3} Bridgeport Barbie--This recently paroled former "Porn Actress" Barbie comes with a Chevy with dark tinted windows, and a meth lab kit. This model is only available after dark and can only be paid for in cash. Preferably small, untraceable bills. Unless you're a cop, then we don't know what you're talking about.

4} West Hartford Barbie--This yuppie Barbie comes with your choice of BMW convertible or Hummer H2. Included are her own Starbucks cup, credit card, and country club membership. Also available for this set are Shallow Ken and Private School Skipper. You won't be able to afford any of them.

5} Bristol Barbie--This pale model comes dressed in her own Wrangler jeans two sizes too small, a NASCAR shirt, and Tweety Bird tattoo on her shoulder. She has a six pack of Coors Light and a Hank Williams Jr. CD set. She can spit over five feet and kick mullet haired Ken's ass when she is drunk. Purchase her pickup truck separately and get a Confederate flag bumper sticker absolutely free.

6} Glastonbury Barbie--This collagen injected, rhinoplastic Barbie wears a leopard print bikini outfit and drinks cosmopolitans while entertaining friends at the McMansion. Percocet prescription available.

7} Beacon Falls Barbie--This tobacco chewing, brassy haired Barbie has a pair of her own high heeled sandals with one broken heel from the time she chased Beer Gut Ken out of Bristol Barbie's house. Her ensemble includes low rise acid washed jeans, fake fingernails, and a see through halter top. Also available with a mobile home.

8} Woodbury Barbie--This doll is made of actual tofu. She has long straight brown hair, archless feet, hairy armpits, no makeup, and Birkenstocks with white socks. She prefers that you call her "Willow". She does not want or need a Ken doll, but if you purchase two Northampton Barbies and the optional Subaru wagon, you get a rainbow sticker for free.

9} New Haven Barbie--This Spanish speaking only Barbie comes with a 1984 Toyota with expired temporary plates and four baby Barbies in the backseat (no car seats). The optional Ken doll comes with a paint bucket lunch pail and is missing three fingers on his left hand. Green cards are not available for Hartford Barbie or Ken.

10} Waterbury Barbie--This Italian Princess Barbie comes with teased black hair, twelve gold chains, seven gold bracelets, eight rings and one ankle bracelet. Included are a permanently attached cell phone and a black Monte Carlo with ILUVTONY license plates. The accompanying Ken doll has been replaced with a black haired Tony doll with hairy chest and gel/hairdryer kit. A camera/cell phone with the Mayor's office on speed dial is sold separately.


  1. ROFLMAO. Love #s 9 & 10. I think on these cold winter days and nights you need to do some mock ups for our viewing George.

  2. Little d and I watched TOY STORY 2 last night where the Tour Guide Barbie and freakish Barbie (toward the end) managed some good chuckles.

    I just realized we will have Barbies everywhere very soon won't we?

  3. Jeanne: Mockups? I might leave that to experts such as yourself.

    Gotta love Connecticut though, eh?

    Mama Z: Thanks.

    I find that Connecticut, because its so perfectly situated between Massachusetts and New York, is incredibly easy to make fun of.

    David: Sadly, this is very true.

    And on a lighter note, be prepared to have a very empty wallet should your daughter become enamored of Barbie dolls. I know my wallet hit rock bottom during my daughter's Barbie phase.

  4. "4} West Hartford Barbie--This yuppie Barbie comes with your choice of BMW convertible or Hummer H2. Included are her own Starbucks cup, credit card, and country club membership. Also available for this set are Shallow Ken and Private School Skipper. You won't be able to afford any of them."

    Sounds like most of the "women" walking around Scottsdale in AZ!

  5. Joe: Actually, it can probably describe a good chunk of the women on the West Coast. :D

    Bruce: Thanks. I do have my moments. :D

  6. Excellent! Having lived near CT in college, I can really appreciate this. I'll also share it with Mike D :)

  7. M&M: My deepest sympathies for living next to such a vacuous state. :D

    Lynn: Thanks.

    Gotta be able to poke fun at my state every once in a while, especially since ours is kind of a microcosm of what the rest of the States are.

  8. gun wavin' new haven barbie sounds like a bad ass bitch...great post

  9. OMG I totally need to get my hands on Bristol Barbie and Mullet Ken. I assume there is a small water tank built into her torso for the spitting function.

  10. Ryan: Thanks.

    New Haven is truly a one of a kind town. :D

    SR: I believe there is. :D

  11. It wasn't until two or three on the list that I realized you were joking.

  12. These are great. I'll have to send New Haven Barbie to my brother who lives there.

  13. Charles: Pretty sad commentary on the world around us if we think that there are people like that living amongst us.

    Then again, it probably is true at that.

    Bearman: My deepest sympathies for your brother who is still living here.


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