Friday, August 19, 2011
A New Scientific Element Has Been Discovered!
LOCATED HIGH ATOP A BUSH PINE TREE COMES THIS NEWS FLASH FROM OUR CRACK CORRESPONDENT PUZZLED BEAR ABOUT A NEW REVOLUTIONARY SCIENTIFIC DISCOVERY!!!!
Investigators at a major research institution recently discovered the heaviest element know to science and have tentatively named it Administratium, with the chemical symbol Ad. Administratium has no protons or electrons, thus having an atomic number of 0.
However, it does have:
125 assistant neutrons,
75 vice neutrons, and
111 assistant vice neutrons.
This gives it an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held together by a force that involves the continuous exchange of meson-like particles called morons. The morons are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons.
Since it has no electrons, Administratium is inert. However, it can be detected chemically, as it impedes every action with which it comes into contact. According to the discoverers, a minute amount of Administratium caused one action to take four days to complete when it would have normally occurred in less than one second.
Administratium has a normal half-life of approximately three years, at which time it does not actually decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which assistant neutrons, vice neutrons, and assistant vice neutrons exchange places. In fact, Administratium's mass will actually increase over time, since with each reorganization, some of the morons inevitably become neutrons, forming new isotopes.
This characteristic of moron promotion has led some scientists to speculate that Administratium is spontaneously formed whenever moron concentration reaches a certain level. This hypothetical quality is referred to as the Critical-Morass.
Research at other laboratories indicates that Administratium occurs naturally in the atmosphere. It tends to concentrate at certain points such as government agencies, large corporations and universities, and can usually be found in the newest, best appointed and best maintained buildings.
Scientists point out that Administratium is known to be toxic at any level of concentration and can easily destroy any productive reaction where it is allowed to accumulate. Attempts are being made to determine how Administratium can be controlled to prevent irreversible damage, but results to date are not promising.
AND THAT'S THE NEWS THAT I, PUZZLED BEAR, ARMED WITH MY TINY LITTLE CONFUSED BRAIN, WAS ABLE TO FIND AND PRESENT TO YOU.
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