Before you rush to apply for that too-good-to-be true job, here's some advice on translating corporate ad-speak into practical English.
1} Must have an eye for detail
Translation: "We have no quality control."
2} Seeking candidates with a wide variety of experience
Translation: "You'll need it to replace three people who just left."
3} No phone calls please
Translation: "We've filled the job, our call for resumes is just a legal formality."
4} Problem solving skills a must
Translation: "You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos."
5} Requires team leadership skills
Translation: "You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect."
6} Good communications skills
Translation: "Management communicates, you listen and figure out what they want."
7} Must be deadline oriented
Translation: "You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day."
8} Flexible hours
Translation: "Work 40 hours, get paid for 25."
9} Duties will vary
Translation: "Anyone in the office can boss you around."
10} Ability to handle a heavy workload
Translation: "You whine, you're fired."
Sunday, February 19, 2012
15 comments:
Go on, give me your best shot. I can take it. If I couldn't, I wouldn't have created this wonderful little blog that you decided to grace with your presence today.
About that comment moderation thingy: While yes, it does say up above I can take it, I only use it to prevent the occasional miscreant from leaving thoughtless and/or clueless comments.
So remember, all of your comments are greatly appreciated and all answers will be given that personal touch that you come to expect and enjoy.
G. B. Miller
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lol! I loved your corporate speak interpretations, G! And all of them so very very true! :)
ReplyDeleteTalon: Thankee.
ReplyDeleteAlthough after reading this again, these can actually apply to the guv'ment sector as well.
lol. You're a very astute interpreter of corporate lingo.
ReplyDeleteJoanne: Thankee.
ReplyDeleteWish I could take the full credit, but alas, someone beat me to the punch.
Ha ha, just returned to the UK from the States and needed a good laugh! Thanks!
ReplyDeleteJoe: You're more than welcome.
ReplyDeleteHope your flight was sane and uneventful.
LOL each one is sooo very true, especially the no phone call one. Hate when they go through all that crap and already have it filled, dirty bleeps.
ReplyDeletethanks for the translations. I rather suspected as much. :)
ReplyDeletePat: This is so prevelant in the public sector like you would not believe.
ReplyDeleteI can't tell you the amount of times that I've gone through a dog and pony show simply because they needed to fulfill the legal requirement for a job.
Sucks big time.
Charles: I think we've all suspected as much from time to time. :D
OMG, so true! #6 especially.
ReplyDeleteM: Number 6 is a special skill set all on its own.
ReplyDeleteIf you can master that, you are truly the king or queen of your corporate domain.
These are so true!
ReplyDeleteMama Z: Absotively Posilutely!
ReplyDeleteLove it! And so very, very true!
ReplyDeleteAlso we have one over here which reads;
"Competitive salary" - as far as I can work out that actually means;
"F**k all- but I'm not going to tell you till the very last moment when you've really got your hopes up."
Jane: To me, "competitive salary" means that they say that to get you hired, then once you're hired, you find out that you're only competing with your fellow co-workers who are also equally underpaid.
ReplyDelete