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Sunday, February 19, 2012

Understanding Job Advertisements

Before you rush to apply for that too-good-to-be true job, here's some advice on translating corporate ad-speak into practical English.

1} Must have an eye for detail

Translation: "We have no quality control."

2} Seeking candidates with a wide variety of experience

Translation: "You'll need it to replace three people who just left."

3} No phone calls please

Translation: "We've filled the job, our call for resumes is just a legal formality."

4} Problem solving skills a must

Translation: "You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos."

5} Requires team leadership skills

Translation: "You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect."

6} Good communications skills

Translation: "Management communicates, you listen and figure out what they want."

7} Must be deadline oriented

Translation: "You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day."

8} Flexible hours

Translation: "Work 40 hours, get paid for 25."

9} Duties will vary

Translation: "Anyone in the office can boss you around."

10} Ability to handle a heavy workload

Translation: "You whine, you're fired."

15 comments:

  1. lol! I loved your corporate speak interpretations, G! And all of them so very very true! :)

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  2. Talon: Thankee.

    Although after reading this again, these can actually apply to the guv'ment sector as well.

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  3. lol. You're a very astute interpreter of corporate lingo.

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  4. Joanne: Thankee.

    Wish I could take the full credit, but alas, someone beat me to the punch.

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  5. Ha ha, just returned to the UK from the States and needed a good laugh! Thanks!

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  6. Joe: You're more than welcome.

    Hope your flight was sane and uneventful.

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  7. LOL each one is sooo very true, especially the no phone call one. Hate when they go through all that crap and already have it filled, dirty bleeps.

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  8. thanks for the translations. I rather suspected as much. :)

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  9. Pat: This is so prevelant in the public sector like you would not believe.

    I can't tell you the amount of times that I've gone through a dog and pony show simply because they needed to fulfill the legal requirement for a job.

    Sucks big time.

    Charles: I think we've all suspected as much from time to time. :D

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  10. M: Number 6 is a special skill set all on its own.

    If you can master that, you are truly the king or queen of your corporate domain.

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  11. Mama Z: Absotively Posilutely!

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  12. Love it! And so very, very true!

    Also we have one over here which reads;

    "Competitive salary" - as far as I can work out that actually means;

    "F**k all- but I'm not going to tell you till the very last moment when you've really got your hopes up."

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  13. Jane: To me, "competitive salary" means that they say that to get you hired, then once you're hired, you find out that you're only competing with your fellow co-workers who are also equally underpaid.

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G. B. Miller

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