Thursday, May 30, 2013

The New And Improved Automobile!

Note: This was given to me back in the late 90's (I think). Still pertinent some 25 years later.

At a recent computer EXPO (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated:

If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon.

In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating:

If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:

1} For no reason whatsoever your car would crash twice a day.

2} Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new car.

3} Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart and drive one.

4} Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn, would cause your car to shutdown and refuse to start, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

5} Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought "Car95" or CarNT". But then you would have to buy more seats.

6} Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five percent of the roads.

7} The oil, water temperature and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single "general car default" warning light.

8} New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.

9} The airbag system would say "Are you sure?" before going off.

10} Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key, and grab hold of the radio antenna.

11} GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe st of Rand McNally road maps (now a GM subsidiary), even though they neither need them nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the car's performance to diminish by 50% or more. Moreover, GM would become a target for investigation by the Justice Department.

12} Every time GM introduced a new model car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

13} You'd press the "start" button to shut off the engine (happily, this is a reality).


  1. Ha! That's pretty funny. Now then... where's this $25 car?


  2. ABfTS: Probably in the same place where the quality $3 six pack and cigar are.

  3. My husband, who helped my dad shop for a new car last year, has complained that due to over-enthusiastic dashboard redesigns by many manufacturers, you almost do have to re-learn to drive with every new car.

  4. I remember that! I can't stand Microsoft or Bill Gates, for that matter.

  5. This is so funny- thanks!

    Something should be added about having to accept new licensing terms or relinquish the vehicle, n a password for operation being required every 500 miles to continue-

    My friend has a newer GM with electronic steering that keeps shutting off the car sometimes in cold weather. Very quirky n inconvenient. Keep trying the key again!

  6. S.R.: That is very true. I remember when I had borrow my mothers Murano for the first time and even though I was sort of familiar with the push button start, I had to spend several minutes refamiliarizing myself with the entire dashboard. And even then, I had to pull over about a mile into my trip because I couldn't fine a particular item.

    M: I have a derisive comment whenever I have a problem or I see someone else have a computer problem:

    "Microsoft: It's where you wanna be."

    Snaggle: Excellent suggestion!

    As for your friend, I'm surprised that GM didn't issue some kind of recall notice.

  7. Our old cars used to break down on the highway with all kind of problems. Bad radiators, carburetors, blown tires, etc,. and we spent many a family vacation in auto garages along the way. We had no cell phones to call for help or to let our family know why we were late and pay phones were not available in all roadside stops. There were not fast food restaurants and thankfully mother would usually pack sandwiches. Our cars never had AC and my brother and sister hogged the back seat so I got the hump in the floor. I love Bill Gates and all innovators of technology:)

  8. G.A.: Yeah, I remember those days rather vividly as a kid.

    Technology innovators have been good over the years.

    For the most part. :D


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