Ye Olde Timey Newspaper Humor

My brain is fried to a golden crisp this week (if you've been following the weather this week, you'll understand where I'm coming from) so any kind originality has evaporated right along with what little percipatation that Mother Nature deigned to give to us.

With that being the case, I will now bring to you some olde timey (19th century) humor, courtesy of my first state job, The Connecticut Newspaper Project ('96-'01).

Mary's Little Gown

Mary had a little gown

Of silk cut very low;

It almost nearly reached her knees,

An inch above or so.

And everywhere that Mary went;

That dress was sure to go;

And everybody looked and stared

At Mary's dress, you know!

And everywhere that Mary went, 

Her silk hose there below,

Were very, very prominent,

They glistened in the sunlgiht so.

Dressed in her silks so fine,

She found that all the men adored

The human form divine.

A tall western girl, named Short, long loved a certain big Mr. Little; while Little, little thinking of Short, loved a little lass named Long. To make a long story short, Little proposed to Long, and Short longed to be even with Little's short comings. So Short, meeting Long, threatened to marry Little before long, which caused Little, in short time, to marry Long. Query: Did tall Short love big Little less, because Little loved Long?

The Sign of Age

I was a youngster yesterday,

Wearing my sunset hose.

Blowing a slice of my weekly pay

To buy some girl a rose.

Youthful I felt until just now;

Today things took a flop.

Just now a sport of the rah-rah sot

Gave hail to me as "Pop".

Age comes creeping before you know,

That is the common lot,

Month by month we older grow

And yet we feel it not.

All of a sudden you know that you

Come of ancient crop,

When a flippant kid with a fancy lid

Alludes to you as "Pop".

Equal Rights

Woman demand equal rights with men. What does a woman have to wear during the hot days of 1913?

One low necked, sleeveless mosquito netting gown.

One pair silk stockings.

One pair of slippers.

That's all.

What does a man wear during said hot days?

One coat.

One vest.

One pair of trousers.

One shirt with starched collar.

One pair socks.

One pair shoes.

One union suit.

One hat.

One pair suspenders.

One belt.

One necktie.

If he takes his coat off in a hot restaurant he is thrown out. If he takes his tight collar off he's a rube. If he wore his trousers slit up the knee he would be sent to the insane asylum.

Equal rights? Huh!!