Friday, March 27, 2009

"Saturday" (pg 3)

When I went to answer it, a pair of hands, scratch that, a pair of branches reached out and jerked me into the surrounding bush. Struggling to break free, I felt my jacket being rifled through and my person being searched.

"Excuse me!" I said, "Do you mind taking your grubby branches out of my jacket and off my person?" As soon as I got that last sentence out, I felt myself being violently shoved back to the street. Once again, I found myself face first on the ground.

This time, instead of picking myself up and writing the episode off as being a case of sour grapes, I charged back in to give the bush what for. "I don't know what your major malfunction is, but I don't appreciate being touched like that. You got a problem with me, ask me directly. Don't yank me..."

My rant got cut short as a rotten log flew out of the tress, just missing my body and splintering on the street next to me.

"Throwing a log at me because I pointed out that you were wrong is pretty childish," I said while kicking some of the splintered log off to the side, "It shows that not only can't you walk the walk but if you don't get your way, you go crying back to your mommy. To show you just how nice of a guy I really am, I'm going to continue my walk by going through your precious property, and there won't be thing one you can do about it."

Zipping up my pockets so that the trees couldn't stick their dirty branches in them, I climbed over the barrier and continued my walk. As a parting shot, I stepped on about a half dozen branches as I went through the bushes.

I heard the birds take off from the trees as the painful screams emitted by the bushes broke through the late morning stillness.

"Shut up! You brought this on yourself, so man up and take the consequences of your actions!"

I spent the next twenty minutes dodging the dirt bombs that flew towards me from both sides. I also tripped once of twice as a stray root would suddenly pop up and catch me unawares. That stopped once I had stuck my little pocket knife deep into the last root that tripped me up, and twisted it for a few seconds.

I finally made it to the other concrete barrier, none the worse for wear, save for a few scratches on the face and couple of bird poop stains on the jacket. As I stood there, trying to decided how I should get by that large barrier, I felt someone tapping my shoulder.

Strange, I'm pretty sure that no one was following me. Turning around to see who wanted me, I was met with the one-two combination of a heavy dirt bomb to the face and a large branch to the stomach.
(c)2009 GBMJr. All rights reserved.


  1. No more coffee after midnight.

  2. "Zipping up my pockets so that the trees couldn't stick their dirty branches in them..."

    Me gusta!

  3. Bearman: believe it or not, I wrote this during the late afternoon/early evening. Drank nothing stronger than soda. Gotta get that chemical blast somehow.

    David: I can come up with some zingers, can't I?

  4. If you have any spares send 'em my way...

  5. No probs.

    Working for the government usually generates enough anger for me come up with some doozies.

  6. You been o.d. ing on Tolkien lately??

    Macabre. Wonderful!

  7. Thanks.

    And no, no Tolkien. Have never read Lord of the Rings (or was it The Hobbit?), and haven't read any good fantasy in about three years.

    This was courtesy of my own warped little imagination.

    BTW: it gets even more surreal.

  8. Loved this. Fired both my sense of humor and my craving for the surreal. Good stuff.

  9. Thanks.

    I do try my best to satisfy my warped imagination without going off the deep end.

    I figured if I presented this situation as a normal everyday occurance, it would make it easier to write.

    So far, it's worked pretty well.


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