Friday, February 11, 2011

The 6 Affairs

The 1st Affair

A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they made passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep, awakening around 8p. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied. He slipped into his shoes and drove home.

"Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house.
"Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary and we've been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn't wake up until eight o'clock."
The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!"

The 2nd Affair

There was a middle-aged couple that had two stunningly beautiful teenage daughters. The couple decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted. After months of trying, the wife finally got pregnant and sure enough, delivered a healthy baby boy nine months later. The joyful father rushed into the nursery to see his new son. He took one look and was horrified to see the ugliest child he had ever seen. He went to his wife and told her there was no way he could be the father of that child.

"Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!"
Then he gave her a stern look and asked, "Have you been fooling around on me?"
The wife just smiled sweetly and said, "Not this time!"

The 3rd Affair

A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine the dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated. As he examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, who was about to be cremated, he made an amazing discovery. Schwartz had the longest private part he had ever seen.

"I'm sorry, Mr. Schwartz," said the mortician, "but I can't send you off to be cremated with a tremendously huge private part like this. It has to be saved for posterity."

With that, the coroner used his tools to remove the dead man's scaling. He stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home. The first person he showed it to was his wife.

"I have something to show you that you won't believe," he said, and opened up his briefcase.
"Oh my God!" the wife screamed, "Schwartz is dead!"

The 4th Affair

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.
"Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner."
Then she quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then dusted him with talcum powder.
"Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend that you're a statue."

"What's this, honey?" the husband asked as he entered the room.
"Oh it's a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smith's bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too."

No more was said about the statue, not even later when they went to sleep.

Around two in the morning, the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk.
"Here," he said to the statue, "eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smith's for three days and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water."

The 5th Affair

A man walks into a nightclub one night. He goes up to the bar and asks for a beer.
"Certainly, Sir, that'll be 1 cent."
"One cent?" exclaimed the man. So the man glances over at the menu and asks, "Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with chips, peas and a fried egg?"
"Certainly Sir," replies the barman, "but that comes to real money."
"How much money?" inquires the man.
"4 cents," the bartender replies.
"Where's the guy who owns this place?"
The bartender replied, "Upstairs, with my wife."
The man says, "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?"
The bartender replied, "The same thing as I'm doing to his business."

The 6th Affair

Jake was dying. His wife, Becky, was maintaining a candlelight vigil by his side. She held his fragile hand, with tears running down her face. Her praying roused him from his slumber. He looked up and his pale lips began to move slightly.

"Becky my darling," he whispered.
"Hush my love," she said. "Rest, don't talk."
He was insistent. "Becky," he said in his tired voice, "I have something that I must confess."
"There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Becky, "everything's all right, go to sleep."
"No, no. I must die in peace, Becky. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend and your mother!"
"I know, my sweet one," whispered Becky, "let the poison work."

16 comments:

  1. When I was reading the first one, a memory came back of a friend in New York City telling me the story of having coffee on Labor Day morning in her high rise apartment. She saw a man and woman working at a conference table in the office building across from her and thought, "Oh poor people, they have to work on a holiday." The next time she looked up, they were on their feet passionately kissing and then ran out of the room. Later she saw them back working at the table as if nothing had happened.

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  2. Lynn: Oh man, to be a fly on the wall. :D

    That is really funny.

    A friend of mine told of a time when she came back from a doctor's appt and she pulled into a parking space next to a truck. When she got out, she saw two people in the back of the truck as she walked by doing the horizontal bop.

    Mama Z: Thanks.

    I used to have some mighty strange friends that would forward me some mighty strange e-mails.

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  3. LOL, I love the last one best.....shhh my love, let the poison work.

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  4. Ahh the joy of extramarital experiences!

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  5. Carla: Thanks. Not sure if that would be the way to go, but definitely the way to dispatch someone with as little trouble as possible.

    Charles: Absolutely...not that I've done anything like that..well...perhaps in my mind like Jimmy Carter, but other than that, no.

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  6. Oh boy I've lead such a dull life. :D

    Great stories, I kind of like the last story most. :D

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  7. Joe: Sometimes a dull life can be more adventurous than an adventurous life. :D

    I think that everyone is gonna like that last one the most. :D

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  8. Bwahahaha! Schwartz is my favorite.

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  9. two to add:
    1) Three 90 year old guys talking about how they want to die
    First: I want to drown. Just like going to sleep.
    Second guy: "I want to die on a motorcycle doing a 100 mph.
    Third guy: "I want to be shot by a jealous husband"


    An older couple goes to the sex therapist and ask him to watch them have sex. Impressed they are so active, he does. Tells them they are fine, charges them 50 bucks.
    They come back the next week, same thing goes on. After a few weeks, the doctor says, "Your technique is fine. Why do you keep coming?"
    Guy"I am married, so we cannot use my house. She is married, so we cannot use her house. A hotel costs 100 bucks a night.
    You cost 50 bucks, Medicare pays 43, so it costs me 7 bucks to have sex.

    And since you are a doctor, it is confidential

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  10. Darth: Now those are funny. :D

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  11. Alot of funnies here, n in comments too!
    Thanks, I need laughs this week-

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  12. Snaggle: You're more than welcome. Glad I was able to bring a smile to your face today.

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  13. Really enjoyed those stories G. The first one was my favourite- only wish I played golf so I could try it out myself!!

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  14. Jane: Glad you enjoyed them. Sometimes forwarded e-mails can be funny.

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G. B. Miller

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