Friday, March 25, 2011

Humor Me, Because I Need It Bad!

A local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1,000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money. Many people (weightlifters, longshoremen, lumberjackes, etc.) had tried over time but nobody could do it.

One day a scrawny little man wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit came in and said in a tiny squeaky voice, "I'd like to try the bet."

After the laughter died down, the bartender said okay, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man. But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the men clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glas. As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1,000, and asked the little man, "What do you do for a living?"

The man replied, "I work for the IRS."


The Dsyfunctional Section of a Hallmark Store.

1} I always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. And now that you've come into my life---I've change my mind.

2} I must admit, you brought religion into my life---I never believed in Hell until I met you.

3} As the days go by, I think how lucky I am---That you're not here to ruin it for me.

4} Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go---will you take the knife from my back? You'll probably need it again.

5} Someday I hope to marry---someone other than you.

6} Happy Birthday! You look great for your age---almost lifelike!

7} When we're together, you said you'd die for me---now that we're broken up, I think it's time to keep your promise.

8} We've been friends for a very long time---what do you say we stop?

9} I'm so miserable without you---it's almost like you're still here.

10} Congratulations on your new bundle of joy---did you ever find out who the father was?

11} You are such a good friend. If we were on a sinking ship and there was only one life jacket---I'd miss you terribly and think of you often.

12} Looking back over the years we've been together, I can't help but wonder---what was I thinking?

13} Congratulations on your wedding day!---too bad no one likes your husband.


  1. That IRS thing is funny and kind of true. :)

  2. Ha ha, the Hallmark quotes cracked me up. Wouldn't it be great if you could actually send cards like that?

  3. Lynn: There are only four governmental agencies that I grovel to, and the IRS is one of them.

    Joe: In today's world, you can custom create, design and print out your very own greeting cards. :D

    Charles: I would too. :D

  4. Ha! Great IRS joke, G. And I would buy some of those Hallmark cards.

  5. David: Thanks.

    Considering we're getting close to cruch time, I thought it would be fun to strike a little fear into everyone's hearts today. :D

  6. Hallmark is starting to make some nasty cards for real.

  7. Bearman: Kewl.

    Could use a few of those right now.

  8. Thanks for the laughs! Love HM card #5.

  9. R: More than welcome. Considering how this week has bit the dust, it's sorely needed.

  10. Cute!

    My favourite greeting/birthday card from recent memory has a partially completed game of Hangman on the front. It says
    H---Y B--T----
    and offers you a prize if you can successfully fill in the blanks.
    When you open the card it shows you the answer:
    I got that one for my dad and he love it.

  11. SR: That is funny.

    I sometimes get cute cards like that from my family and friends, only because they know what kind of warped sense of humor I gots.


  12. This just reminded me of a real Hallmark purchase that my brother made for our mother when he was 12...a change jar that read "Ashes of Old Lovers." This was after she was on husband #4. I was worried that she'd be offended but she loved it! I think she still has it - maybe ex-husband 5 and 6 are in there...

    (No, I'm not making this up.)

  13. R: That is some kind of serious weirdness that I don't think I can top (even that particular one I edited out of the post that I told you about doesn't quite top it).


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