Friday, June 24, 2011

God On Lawn Care

God said, "Fran, you know all about gardens and nature. What in the world is going on down there on the planet? What happened to the dandelions, violets, milkweeds and stuff I started eons ago? I had a perfect no-maintenance garden plan. Those plants grow in any type of soil, withstand drought and multiply with abandon. The nectar from long-lasting blossoms attracts butterflies, honey bees and flocks of songbirds. I expected to see a vast garden of colors by now. But, all I see are these green rectangles."

St. Francis answered, "It's the tribes that settled there, Lord. The Suburbanites. They started calling your flowers 'weeds' and went to great lengths to kill them and replace them with grass."

"Grass? But, it's so boring. It's not colorful. It doesn't attract butterflies, birds and bees; only grubs and sod worms. It's sensitive to temperatures. Do these Suburbanites really want all that grass growing there?"

"Apparently so, Lord. They go to great pains to grow it and keep it green. They begin each spring by fertilizing grass and poisoning any other plant that crops up in the lawn."

"The spring rains and warm weather probably makes grass grow really fast. That must make the Suburbanites happy."

"Apparently not, Lord. As soon as it grows a little, they cut it, sometimes twice a week."

"They cut it? Do they then bale it like hay?"

"Not exactly, Lord. Most of them rake it up and put it in bags."

"They bag it? Why? Is it a cash crop? Do they sell it?"

"No, Sir, just the opposite. They pay to throw it away."

"Now, let me get this straight. They fertilize grass so it will grow. And, when it does grow, they cut it off and pay to throw it away?"

"Yes, Sir."

"These Suburbanites must be relieved in the summer when we cut back on the rain and turn up the heat. That surely slows the growth and saves them a lot of work."

"You aren't going to believe this, Lord. When the grass stops growing so fast, they drag out hose and pay more money to water it, so they can continue to mow it and pay to get rid of it.

"What nonsense. At least they kept some of the trees. That was a sheer stroke of genius, if I do say so myself. The trees grow leaves in the spring to provide beauty and shade in the summer. In the autumn, they fall to the ground and form a natural blanket to keep moisture in the soil and protect the trees and bushes. It's a natural cycle of life."

"You better sit down, Lord. The Suburbanites have drawn a new circle. As soon as the leaves fall, they rake them into great piles and pay to have them hauled away."

"No!? What do they do to protect the shrub and tree roots in the winter to keep the soil moist and loose?"

"After throwing away the leaves, they go out and buy something which they call mulch. They haul it home and spread it around in place of the leaves."

"And where do they get this mulch?"

"They cut down trees and grind them up to make the mulch."

"Enough! I don't want to think about this anymore. St. Catherine, you're in charge of the arts. What movie do you have scheduled for us tonight?"

"'Dumb and Dumber', Lord. It's a story about..."

"Never mind, I think I just heard the whole story from St. Francis."


  1. That's funny, G! And all true. Love that punchline.

  2. Ahh, the purpose of humor is to hold up such 'actions' to the light. Well done. I don't water my lawn btw. It lives or dies just like the rest of us.

  3. Lynn: Thanks. I figure a little e-mail humor was in order for today.

    Charles: Thankee. Got it from a friend and I thought that it was so spot on that I had to share it with my friends.

    Wish I could say the same with mine, but alas, I live in the type of neighborhood that frowns on things like that.

  4. Its funny I was just thinking about this story last week when working in my yard.

  5. Excellent! Thanks for the laugh :)

  6. Ha ha, love it, and so true. Fortunately we don't pay to have our grass cutting and leaves removed, I just chuck them into the hedges. :D

  7. Shawn: Thanks for stopping by. I think that this thought always crosses our mind out here in suburbia. Less often in the country.

    R: You're very welcome.

    Joe: And have the animals eat them? Excellent!

  8. That is why my entire lawn is landscaped with perennials. No yard work ever!!!

  9. Bearman: That sounds pretty cool and must look really funky as well.

  10. Ha ha. Great way of looking at our attempts at taming nature. Ever see the documentary "Life After People"? Long story short, we wouldn't be missed by nature if we up and vanished one day. Nature would eventually swallow up everything we ever built for our "mighty civilization" and the natural balance would be restored.

  11. Gumby: For shure we definitely wouldn't be missed if we upped and vanished like the dinosaurs.

  12. That pretty much sums up the redonkulousness of modern gardening.

    My in-laws have a wild front garden with no grass, just riotous flowers and shrubs. It's self-maintaining. They live in a kind of bohemian neighbourhood so nobody complains. I think it looks great.

  13. S: That sounds so cool. Wish I lived in that type of neighborhood.

    Don't get me wrong, I see some pretty fantastic landscaping during my weekely walks, but sometimes just letting Mother Nature take over is about the best thing one could do for a yard.

  14. Very funny! I hadn't gotten this one for email either-
    This lawn stuff IS all crazy!

    I always wait until the grass goes to seed before the first cut, which slows the growth. Then only cut every two weeks or less to save time n gas money. I get to compost in the woods instead of throwing away too. I like to mow around the wild flowers too- Like the giant purple clover.
    I'm not normal. I mow after 7 pm to cut down on bee exposure. I drive the neighbors crazy!

  15. Snaggle: Glad you liked.

    I don't mow mine anymore as we have someone come by once a week to do it.

    Sometimes the backyard is really hard for him to do because after a good rainstorm, it turns into a swamp that sucks up everything in sight.


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