So. You Want To Date My Daughter?

In all seriousness, I will probably need something like this in about 5 years with mine.

APPLICATION FOR PERMISSION TO DATE MY DAUGHTER

NOTE: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a complete financial statement, job history, lineage, and current medical report from your doctor.

1a} Name:
1b} Date of birth:

2} Height, Weight, I.Q.:

3} Social Security Number and Driver's License Number:

4} Boy Scout Rank and Badges:

5} Home Address:

6} Do you have ONE male and ONE female parent? If no, please explain:

7} Number of years parents married. If less than your age, please explain:

8a} Do you own a van?
8b} A truck with oversized tires?
8c} A waterbed?
8d} A truck with a mattress in the back?
8e} Pornography?
8f} Do you have a tattoo?
8g} Do you have earring, nose ring or a belly button ring?
If you answered yes to any of the preceding items, discontinue this application here and leave the premises now.

9} In 50 words or less, what does "LATE" mean to you?

10} In 50 words or less, what does "DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER" mean to you?

11} In 50 words or less, what does "ABSTINENCE" mean to you?

12} Church or Synagogue you attend?
12a} How often?

13} When would be the best time to interview your:
13a} Father?
13b} Mother?
13c} Priest or Rabbi?

14} Fill in the blank. Please answer freely, all answers are confidential. (That means I won't tell anyone ever-promise)
14a} If I were shot, the last place on my body I would want to be wounded is:
14b} If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is:
14c} A woman's place is in the:
14d} The one thing I hope that this application does not ask me about:
14e} When I first meet a girl, the thing I notice about her first:

If your answer to 14e begins with either "T" or "A", discontinue and leave the premises. Keeping your head low and running in a serpentine fashion is advised.

15} What do you want to be IF you grow up?

16} What is the current going rate of a hotel room?

17} Condoms come in packages of (circle one): 3, 6, 9, 12, or All the above.

I swear that all of the information supplied above is true and correct to the best of my knowledge under penalty of death, dismemberment, native american ant torture, crucifixion, electrocution, chinese water torture, red hot pokers, public flogging, 3rd world interrogation technique, and/or other politically incorect torture inspired by current world events.

________________________________________
Signature (that means "sign your name," moron)

Thank you for your interest. Please allow four to six years for processing.

You will be contacted in writing if you are approved. Please do not try to call or write (since you probably can't, and it would cause you injury). If your application is rejected, you will be notified by two gentlemen wearing white ties carrying violin cases (you might watch your back).