Friday, September 21, 2012

So. You Want To Date My Daughter?

In all seriousness, I will probably need something like this in about 5 years with mine.


NOTE: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a complete financial statement, job history, lineage, and current medical report from your doctor.

1a} Name:
1b} Date of birth:

2} Height, Weight, I.Q.:

3} Social Security Number and Driver's License Number:

4} Boy Scout Rank and Badges:

5} Home Address:

6} Do you have ONE male and ONE female parent? If no, please explain:

7} Number of years parents married. If less than your age, please explain:

8a} Do you own a van?
8b} A truck with oversized tires?
8c} A waterbed?
8d} A truck with a mattress in the back?
8e} Pornography?
8f} Do you have a tattoo?
8g} Do you have earring, nose ring or a belly button ring?
If you answered yes to any of the preceding items, discontinue this application here and leave the premises now.

9} In 50 words or less, what does "LATE" mean to you?

10} In 50 words or less, what does "DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER" mean to you?

11} In 50 words or less, what does "ABSTINENCE" mean to you?

12} Church or Synagogue you attend?
12a} How often?

13} When would be the best time to interview your:
13a} Father?
13b} Mother?
13c} Priest or Rabbi?

14} Fill in the blank. Please answer freely, all answers are confidential. (That means I won't tell anyone ever-promise)
14a} If I were shot, the last place on my body I would want to be wounded is:
14b} If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is:
14c} A woman's place is in the:
14d} The one thing I hope that this application does not ask me about:
14e} When I first meet a girl, the thing I notice about her first:

If your answer to 14e begins with either "T" or "A", discontinue and leave the premises. Keeping your head low and running in a serpentine fashion is advised.

15} What do you want to be IF you grow up?

16} What is the current going rate of a hotel room?

17} Condoms come in packages of (circle one): 3, 6, 9, 12, or All the above.

I swear that all of the information supplied above is true and correct to the best of my knowledge under penalty of death, dismemberment, native american ant torture, crucifixion, electrocution, chinese water torture, red hot pokers, public flogging, 3rd world interrogation technique, and/or other politically incorect torture inspired by current world events.

Signature (that means "sign your name," moron)
Thank you for your interest. Please allow four to six years for processing.

You will be contacted in writing if you are approved. Please do not try to call or write (since you probably can't, and it would cause you injury). If your application is rejected, you will be notified by two gentlemen wearing white ties carrying violin cases (you might watch your back).


  1. Ha ha, hell yeah. I love the 6 years to process. I have 2 teenage girls, as you know, and the fun has already started!

  2. I actually made a dating application for my daughter in 1985 but it was not nearly as good as this one. LOL

  3. Joe: I have complete sympathy for you. I should take a class from you on how to properly navigate these upcoming treacherous waters. :D

    G.A.: Thanks. Wish I could take credit for it, but I got it as an e-mail some one dozen years ago.

  4. A woman's place is in the mall. Did I get that right? ;-)

  5. S.R.: That would be a pretty good answer. :D

  6. LOL... I think raising kids must be so confusing and difficult -- I'm not sure I could ever handle that much responsibility... (At least I do okay with my cats... :))

  7. I'll steal that in a few years for my little sister...section 14 is my favorite!

  8. I like the places where it's implied they would get shot... Where you'd least want to be n especially the visual of running away in a serpentine pattern!
    Mall is a smart answer!

  9. Lisa: It can be both a blessing and a curse. If you have a daughter, or even a niece, your inner Al Bundy will be released and you will learn to embrace him. :D

    M: You have a sister? Interesting....:D

    Yeah, I thought 14 was purty good, especially since it would be something that I would definitely embrace when my daughter starts dating in five or six years.

    Snaggle: I think in today's world, it would go beyond implied.

    And yes, the mall is a fantastic answer.

  10. You should copyright this man. You might make a mint selling it to fathers all over the country.

  11. I may borrow this and use a few of these questions in about fourteen years.

  12. David: I think your inner Al Bundy will appreciate that.

    I actually went through this when I was "dating" a high school junior in the late 80's as her mom was a vice cop, and let me tell you, it made me overly cautious in dating her.

  13. Almost like the IRS's new income tx form
    Line 1: How much do you make?
    Line 2: send it in

    the new app would be "Do you intend at any point prior to marriage to engage in sexual relations with my daughter? Note that, despite what Clinton attempted to claim, oral is sex.

    Uf the answer is yes, take the advice at the end of section 14. If the answer is no but you secretly intend it to be yes, don't take the advice in serpentine pattern will save you

  14. That's funny, G. :) My brother in law used to tell all young men picking up his daughters: "There are three things I love in this world, and you are about to go out with one of them. I want her back in exactly the same condition she is in right now." The young men usually had a nervous smile, the daughters usually looked pained. :)

  15. Lynn: Thanks.

    And I'll probably relate to your brother-in-law giving the young men the light version of the 3rd degree in about five years or so. :D


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