Friday, September 27, 2013

I Irritate My Human Big Time


Allow me to introduce myself: I am Holly, and today we're taking over my human's blog, 'cause you know, nothing irritates our humans more than getting into their business by doing our business, and since my human hates it when I do my business in his business, he's giving me carte blanche in doing my business on his blog in the vain hope that somehow I won't be doing my business in his business for the foreseeable future.

Anywho, let me tell you how I really irritate my human in the morning.

When I wake up, I need to stuff my face with food. I don't really care about what my human wants, 'cause you know, it's all about me. So what I usually do when my stomach is growling is to jump on my human and start purring in his face, 'cause you know, I needs food.

This usually happens around 4:30 in the morning, with repeat performances every fifteen minutes until he finally drags his butt out of bed at 5:30. The second his feet touch the floor, I'm weaving between his legs, 'cause you know, I need to be fed, like now.

So when he stands up, that's my cue to run out of the room and run down the stairs, 'cause you know, I need food. But dang it, he don't follow me, 'cause he has to do his morning toiletries. So I have to run back upstairs to get his attention, 'cause you know, I need my food, like yesterday. And I get his attention by purring loudly and weaving between his legs, which in turn irritates the crap out of him.

Finally, he staggers down the stairs and I race down the stairs and wait for him at the bottom, 'cause you know, I need food and he's the slowest thing on the planet. But when he gets downstairs, I start running all over the place, 'cause you know, I need to be fed, like now. And to make sure he feeds me like now, I'll jump on the windowsill, meow madly and wake everyone up by kicking at the window chimes.

Wouldn't you know it, while I'm starving for my breakfast, he's busy getting all of his precious coffee ready in the microwave. So I jump down from the windowsill and start getting under his feet, so that when he steps away, he'll realize that I'm the most important thing there.

Finally, he walks back to the windowsill and I race ahead and jump on, 'cause you know I need my food, like yesterday. But he only grabs the empty dish and walks back to the kitchen. Infuriated, I run back to the kitchen and start meowing very loudly for my food, 'cause dammit, I'M HUNGRY!!!!

The lazy schmuck finally pours my food into the dish, so I race back to the windowsill, jump up and ring the wind chimes. He puts the dish down, and finally, I GOT FOOD!!!

For the next seven seconds, I stuff my face with glorious crunchies. Afterwards, just because he was being a dope for being so slow, I jump down and regurgitate just for him, which of course makes him yell and wake up the entire house.

So next time you decide to take your sweet time in feeding the animal that happens to reside in your home, be prepared for an unwanted present in an unwanted place, 'cause you know, they come first, and don't you dare forget that fact.

Now if you'll excuse, I have to mosey upstairs and irritate my human's spouse, 'cause you know, I'm the queen of all I survey and no one can sleep on my side of the bed with out my permission.


  1. LOL... one of mine wakes me up two or three times a night for water -- and yes, I do keep a bowl full of water right next to the food bowl in the kitchen... but that's not GOOD enough for her. My cat must have FRESH, running water straight from the tap. And apparently the middle of the night is a great time to get really thirsty... :)

  2. Hi Holly. This is Her Royal Highness the cat writing this message. You show great promise! But as you get older, you'll be able to nag much longer and harder for food than you do now. You should start 2 hours ahead of feeding time -- at a MINIMUM. That's what I do with my human. You have to train these simple creatures to follow a strict routine.

  3. Lisa: I agree. Also, your cat should do what I do, which is fly into the room and open the door, thus waking everyone from a sound sleep.

    However, fresh water can be overrated sometimes.

    HRH: I am honored to be graced by your presence on my human's blog. You are simply the one that I must learn from, for I aspire to be just like you.

    I think you would be proud of me, 'cause on the weekend, I prevent my human from sleeping late. If he doesn't get up at his normal time, I nag him every fifteen minutes until he does.

  4. If you really want to get your human's attention, regurgitate on his feet. That's how my dog get me off the computer.

  5. Ahh, the joys of human ownership, from the pet's standpoint.

  6. Mama Z: That is a novel idea. I'll have to keep that in mind. 'Course, doing it in inaccessable places will always get my human's attention.

    Charles: Yup, although I think I'll have to send him to obedience school soon. He's getting a little too fiesty for my tastes.

  7. Are you sure Holly and Vasil aren't related?

  8. Lynn: Thanks. I know I could get some sympathy from other humans who knows what it like to properly treat a cat.

    Riot Kitty: You have such a cool name that you're gonna be my role model from this day forward.

    We could be distant relatives, 'cause we both came from shelters.


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