Friday, March 16, 2012

When All You Have Is An Epic Fail... turn to a handy dandy late 20th century e-mail to bail you out.


The Mess Test

Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Place a fish stick behind the couch and leave it there all summer.

The Toy Test

Obtain a 55 gallon box of Legos (or you may substitute roofing tacks). Have a friend spread them all over the house. Put on a blindfold. Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen. No screaming allowed, as this would wake a child at night.

The Grocery Store Test

Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them with you as you shop. Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they eat or damage.

The Dressing Test

Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff into a small net bag making sure that all the arms stay inside.

The Feeding Test

Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with water. Suspend from the ceiling with a cord. Start the jug swinging. Try to insert spoonfuls of soggy cereal into the mouth of the jug, while pretending to be an airplane. Now dump contents of the jog on the floor.

The Night Test

Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8-12 pounds of sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 3:00p begin to waltz and hum with the bag until 9:00p. Lay down your bag and set your alarm for 10p. Get up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you have ever heard. Make up about a dozen more songs and sing these too until 4a. Set alarm for 5a. Get up and make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.

The Ingenuity Test

Take an egg carton. Using a pair of scissors and pot of paint, turn it into an alligator. Now take a toilet paper tube and turn it into an attractive Christmas candle. Use only scotch tap and a piece of foil. Last, take a milk carton, a ping-pong ball, and an empty box of Cocoa Puffs. Make an exact replica of the Eiffel Tower.

The Automobile Test

Forget the BMW and buy a station wagon. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there. Get a dime. Stick it into the cassette player. Take a family size package of chocolate chip cookies. Mash them into the back seat. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car. There, perfect!

Physical Test (Women)

Obtain a large beanbag chair and attach it to the front of your clothes. Leave it there for 9 month. Now remove 10 of the beans.

Physical Test (Men)

Go to the nearest drug store. Set your wallet on the counter. Tell the clerk to help himself. Now proceed to the nearest food store. Go to the head office an arrange for your paycheck to be directly deposited to the store. Purchase a newspaper. Go home and read it quietly for the last time.

Final Assignment

Find a couple who already have a small child. Lecture them on how they can improve their discipline. patience, tolerance, toilet training and child's table manners. Emphasize to them that they should never allow their children to run wild. Enjoy this time since you will never have all the answers again.


  1. I have kids so yes....this would be entirely accurate! Very creative post!

    That final assignment is great! I can't stand people who don't even have kids trying to tell me what to do. They have no idea!

  2. Ha ha that cracked me up. Very true!

    Ouch the 10 beans sounds a bit cruel!

  3. Big chuckles here, G. I may have not laughed as hard before my daughter was born.

  4. This has got to be the funniest thing I have read in a long time. Golden.

  5. Workingdan: Thanks for stopping by and thanks for the compliment.

    I am fortunate enough to experience this kind of thing twice. The second time isn't so bad, but man oh man, the learning curve is a killer. :D

    Joe: Yeah, it's so cruelly true for most of us here. :D

    David: My good friend, you have my most sincerest sympathies. May your learning curve be as gentle as humanly possible.

    And may the terrible twos never cross your doorstep.

    Bearman: Thank you.

    The voice of reason rears its ugly head on this blog for a good cause from time to time.

    And this is one of those times. :D

  6. I remember reading a similar version of this a few years ago - still makes me laugh out loud! My favourites are the goat/shopping and the octopus/stringbag - recalls adventures with my own goats/octopuses!

    The version I read also had instructions about trying to go out - multiple attempts to leave the house - going in and out, kid wants the toilet, going back to check the door's locked, kid stops to examine every leaf and stone, kid falls over and has to return to house to dress grazed knee, set off again but kid then wants toilet once more, you eventually make it to the car and discover you locked your keys in the house..... :-/

  7. Sue: Now that is funny, and sadly, incredibly true.

    Suffice to say, I'm still going this kind of aggravation now with my kids (11 & 19).

  8. It is more fun being a middle age, theoretically mature adult and acting like a kid in an office with a co-worker;
    "He started it!"
    "Did not"
    "Did too"
    "Did not"
    "I'm telling Michelle (supervisor)."

    Yes, a former co-worker and I did that for years. We thought it was hysterical. I am sure few parents agree

  9. LOL. This should be mandatory reading in all sex ed classes.

  10. Darth: That can only work if you work in the private sector. Public sector is a scarier animal all together.

    However, with that being said, I used to have days/weeks/months like that with my co-workers, at least until political correctness reared its ugly head again.

    Charles: Absolutely!

    Teens need a major reality check, and this will give it to them.

  11. I cleaned out my car today; I can vouch for the chocolate chip cookies.

    Actually, I think I can vouch for just about everything on this list!

    You forgot the beanbag attached to one's backside as well - I can vouch for that one too:)

  12. Jane: Nice to meet such a hip and with it mom. :D

  13. And this is EXACTLY why I don't have kids! I love to snuggle other peoples' babies, and then hand them back to mom after 5 minutes.

  14. S.R.: It's funny, but I now get more enjoyment out of everyone else's little ankle biters than I do of my older twin terrors.

  15. I'm on the way to the store now, as it happens...where can I get a goat? :)

  16. M: Probably from one of your friendly neighborhood eco-activists. :D


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