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HOW TO KNOW WHETHER OR NOT YOU ARE READY TO HAVE CHILDREN
The Mess Test
Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Place a fish stick behind the couch and leave it there all summer.
The Toy Test
Obtain a 55 gallon box of Legos (or you may substitute roofing tacks). Have a friend spread them all over the house. Put on a blindfold. Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen. No screaming allowed, as this would wake a child at night.
The Grocery Store Test
Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them with you as you shop. Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they eat or damage.
The Dressing Test
Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff into a small net bag making sure that all the arms stay inside.
The Feeding Test
Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with water. Suspend from the ceiling with a cord. Start the jug swinging. Try to insert spoonfuls of soggy cereal into the mouth of the jug, while pretending to be an airplane. Now dump contents of the jog on the floor.
The Night Test
Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8-12 pounds of sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 3:00p begin to waltz and hum with the bag until 9:00p. Lay down your bag and set your alarm for 10p. Get up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you have ever heard. Make up about a dozen more songs and sing these too until 4a. Set alarm for 5a. Get up and make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.
The Ingenuity Test
Take an egg carton. Using a pair of scissors and pot of paint, turn it into an alligator. Now take a toilet paper tube and turn it into an attractive Christmas candle. Use only scotch tap and a piece of foil. Last, take a milk carton, a ping-pong ball, and an empty box of Cocoa Puffs. Make an exact replica of the Eiffel Tower.
The Automobile Test
Forget the BMW and buy a station wagon. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there. Get a dime. Stick it into the cassette player. Take a family size package of chocolate chip cookies. Mash them into the back seat. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car. There, perfect!
Physical Test (Women)
Obtain a large beanbag chair and attach it to the front of your clothes. Leave it there for 9 month. Now remove 10 of the beans.
Physical Test (Men)
Go to the nearest drug store. Set your wallet on the counter. Tell the clerk to help himself. Now proceed to the nearest food store. Go to the head office an arrange for your paycheck to be directly deposited to the store. Purchase a newspaper. Go home and read it quietly for the last time.
Find a couple who already have a small child. Lecture them on how they can improve their discipline. patience, tolerance, toilet training and child's table manners. Emphasize to them that they should never allow their children to run wild. Enjoy this time since you will never have all the answers again.